Why Being Selfish Doesn't Have To Be A Negative

For many years I've felt myself unworthy of attention, including attention from myself.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I've learnt to love myself but I'm beginning to value who I am.

I'm beginning to realise that I have to set the example to the rest of the world of what I deserve.  How I treat myself sets the standard of how others treat me.

As a mother I think too often we confuse our roles and mothers and women.  To devote any time to one doesn't have to detract from the other, in fact, achieving that balance between Mum and Me can only enhance the joy we bring to the other.

Every day I strive to do something that is simply my own.  It doesn't have to cost money, it doesn't have to take long, the only prerequisite is that it is Mine.

What do you do to value you?

The Quest for Approval

Having a total mental meltdown definitely has its perks, yep that's right, a breakdown is a positive thing.  When your in the midst of that maelstrom of madness comes the renewal of your centre of being.

For so long I've been adrift from my core beliefs that I couldn't recognise anything of worth or value in myself.  I constantly needed to validate my worth by the reactions of others yet even then I could only comprehend that any positive validation was merely pity and therefore not a reliable measure.  Fucked up right?

I'm working with a fantastic psych fairly intensively and I'm re-learning who I am, who I really am not who I perceive myself to be.

The good thing is I'm learning to like who I am but at the same time my heart is bruised, how did I become so lost?

Now if only I could find those damn breadcrumbs

It's A Mans World

Warning this post will contain some bragging, self praise and generalisations.  Please page back now if these things offend you.


I have been working for my current employer for the last 7 or so years.  He's seen me through some fairly shaky times, enabled my tree change dreams but the biggest gift he's given me is his support.

I work in a testosterone industry where most women are employed in a clerical/support capacity.  It is gradually changing but it's a slow torturous process.  Anyway I've been with him since the infancy of his business and have worked my way through the business and am now the sole xx contributor to the Senior Management Team.

When I was initially appointed the reception I got made me believe that Climate Change was a crock because frosty is about 200 degrees above where we were.  Since that time I've had to put up with a fair amount of covert and not so covert attempted sabotage along with all the other pleasantries that insecure men like to dish out.  I decided that I'd let them knock themselves out because while they were focussing on me I was focussing on the end game and beating them in the only way they understand - results.

Suffice to say the more butt I kicked the more narky they got, the more influence I earned, and note I use the word earn because I bloody earnt every bit, the worse they became.  It's driving them nuts and I just keep smiling.

So 2011 rolls around and the war games begin again, you'd think they'd be sick of it but no I'm still the object of all their strategies and plans and although I have a bit of a giggle about some of the crap they carry on with it just becomes tiresome.  I mean really it's been 2 years now, newsflash - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE well except for the day when I become your Boss.  Can't wait for that one.

I truly don't understand how anyone can be so insecure that they sabotage themselves because all their energy is devoted to someone else.

How do you deal with passive aggressive behaviour?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Rock Bottom

I looked up..............

I started to spiral and as I plunged into the yawning abyss I did something I've never done.  I looked up and reached out.

The one thing I feared was my very salvation.  I found courage in my despair and I found value in me.  When I started this blog I thought I was doing it to deal with my issues with food but through blogging I found so much more.  My issues with food are a symptom of the pain in my soul and ultimately as the keeper of my soul only I can make it whole again.

I've been amazed, inspired, challenged and provoked by some amazing women in the Blogosphere and slowly I'm discovering that it's in my power to be one of those women.

Balancing Multiples

So my little cherubs started their school lives yesterday and it was a resounding success.  They both embraced it wholeheartedly and I managed not to be a quivering sobbing mess as they casually waved goodbye with neary a backward glance.

Today they received their classroom allocations and we have two different classes.  Ah dilemna!

When they were born I encouraged everyone to acknowlege their twindom but to treat them as individuals.  No matching names, clothes or toys.  We do separate birthday cakes and will probably start doing separate birthday parties.  They are two little people who happened to share a womb, really fetal housemates if you will.

Originally we had discussed keeping them together for Kindergarten and then separate as needed.  Reality and school had different ideas and I can't praise Himself highly enough for the way he handled the situation today.  When it became apparent what was happening he checked with both midgets how they felt about it and then told the AP that we would prefer a watch and see approach.  Both our little ones have strengths and weaknesses and I am so pleased that the school whilst acknowleging their relationship is looking out for their individual needs.

Each night at dinner we are doing one great thing they learnt today, one good thing about their day and one sad thing about their day.   These three questions are great conversation starters and allow the children to share their thoughts without pressure.  Miss COTU did say that her sad thing was that her brother wasn't with her when she learnt her great thing but both have accepted that at school they need to learn different things at different times and after all they do live together.

So all good in the world of Kindergarten again.  I am so incredibly proud of how seamlessly their reality has shifted and they've embraced it for what it is and all it can be.

The Other Woman

As the evening cools and the breeze blows the heat from my skin it is quiet.  I sit in the dark reflecting on why this day is so difficult.  This school caper is nothing new, been there, done that packed more than my fair share of school lunches over the years so why is this one so tough?  Originally I thought it was because they are my last.  No ifs no buts this will be my last first day of school and that saddens me a little.  Don't get me wrong I'm quite content to be done with the baby stage but this will be the last time my little one looks dwarfed by their uniform and backpack and head off into the world all shiny and new.

Then it hit me it isn't school that scares me, I'm dreading the other woman.  You know the one, she is the most beautiful, smartest, always right woman about to take centre stage right where you've been standing.  Yes I'm talking about their Kindergarten teacher.  No longer are you the undisputed expert on everything because Miss *insert name here* says so.

I know it's nice to share but just for tonight I'm going to be a little selfish, just for tonight they are still all mine.

Tomorrow I'll blink back the tears, I'll smile and tell them how wonderful this new adventure is going to be and I'll wait all day with my heart in my throat until the bell rings and they come running through that classroom door excitement bubbling through every pore, I'll pull on my big girl knickers and embrace our next set of firsts.

When Pain Meets The Titanic

If you read no other post can I suggest that you read this one.  That Lori is an incredibly inspiring and brave woman is without question but this post is so raw that it is confronting in its honesty from a survivors point of view.  Lori is uniquely balanced in that she has danced both sides of the fence.

We as a society are conditioned to suppress our true emotions, we touch upon issues but we don't really lay it bare because we are so concerned with everyone around us.  Selflessness is to be prized but at what cost?  Why are we afraid to admit that our pain is bigger than us.  Is it the remnants of the "stiff upper lip" a throwback to our empiric past or is it a survival of the fittest mechanism?

There are some life events that fundamentally change who we are, hopefully we learn to live with the changes and can take the steps towards a fresh start but with any wounds comes scar tissue.  You can try and excise the scar but what do you leave in its place?

Until we as a community embrace pain as a consequence of life and allow the free expression of this pain then I fear that sadly Loris' story will not be isolated but one of  a chorus.

Having Faith or Surrendering Control?

The summer days are skipping away quicker than ice cream melts on a hot afternoon.  As summer retreats the first day of school draws near.  Lazy morning give way to the before school dance where children dawdle as mothers grow both exasperated and late.

I've spent most of summer in denial, the logical part of me knows my babies are going to school but the Mummy in me is nowhere near ready to let go.  I don't know if it is that I know that this is the last time I will wave a little one off looking as if they'll never grow into their shorts and as helpless as a kitten or whether my fears for the Little Man are just running riot.

Yesterday we went to a birthday party.  Miss COTU was in her element, little social butterfly that she is but Little Man interacted a little but was more than content to do his own thing.  Last night I didn't sleep very well.  All I could play through my mind was the What If game.  What if he can't make friends, what if he doesn't cope, what if he falls behind.

Today though I didn't achieve much at work but my mind was churning and then I thought What if.  What if he makes friends on his terms, what if he learns to cope, what if he travels at his own pace.

Little Man has differences but he has so much more to offer.  Maybe there will be challenges but maybe just maybe I need to let go, okay, just a little.

I can't live his life for him, but I believe in him, and I know he can.

Not All Angels Have Wings

On Tuesday we had our first appointment with our new Psychologist.  She comes highly recommended and has huge experience dealing with young children on the Spectrum.

Honestly I think it was love at first sight, I'm talking about me :) although the Little Man was very receptive to her gentle tones and guidance.

She gets him, no wait SHE GETS HIM 


The Little Man has very high anxiety levels which facilitates his own flavour of OCD and fairly recently a healthy dose of separation anxiety directed at me.

We made epic progress today.  I'm under no illusions that it's early days and there's lots of hard work ahead but I'm filled with a sense of quiet optimism and dare I say hope.

One thing that does take me aback and this has happened with our last two appointments, both health care professionals have commented about my grasp of what is facing us and how I "know" little man.  Now this has me confused.  Is it not in my sons' best interest to not only acknowledge what is going on but learn as much as I can so I can best help him.  I'm his Mum, why wouldn't I open a vein if that's what it took and while we're on the subject who should know my baby better than his Mama?  When my babies were in NICU I used to have a chair that sat in between their humidicribs and for 16 hours a day I used to watch, every movement, every gesture, every sound, that was all I had to hold on to.  He is part of me and I am part of him, we speak the same language so yes I do "know" him and I "know" him better every day.

The thing I loved about our new Psych is that he isn't just a Syndrome, someone to be cured or treated, she sees him for who he is and values the essence of him.

I read a quote about Aspergers "Nobody suffers Aspergers, nobody needs to be cured".  It isn't a disease it just is.  Some people have blond hair, some have red hair, some have fair skin, some have olive skin, some are NT, some are Aspie that's just the way it is

Some Questions For Those Who Are Further Down The Road?

Back on the horse so to speak and being accountable.

First goal set - check
Food diary happening - check
Food awareness - check
Exercise plan - check
Appointment booked with Nutritionist - Check

So giddy up cowboy I'm on my way and feeling pretty good, not perfect, not expecting miracles but at least I'm moving forward.

I do have a couple of areas I'm really struggling with right now so I'm calling on the been there done that got the smaller size t-shirt crew to help me out - all suggestions willingly accepted.

1. How do I learn to love water?  I'm am hopelessly dehydrated and know that one of the keys to change is water consumption but it's just not happening *hangs head in shame*.  So for all you previous non water drinkers how did you work it into your day?

2. How do you break the associations with bad eating habits if you can't change the situation.  I know some better preparation on my part will help with availability of good choices but I'm really struggling with the bad mid afternoon cravings.  I know it's in my head, I need to retrain the pleasure centre but what I want to know is how did you succeed?  What are the roadblocks you created to stop yourself backsliding into bad habits.

I could really use a village right now so I'll take whatever you've got

Have Compass Now to Find a Centred Place

When I first began to blog I decided that I wanted to blog about my headspace and journey towards fitness and balance.  I haven't blogged too much about my life or family because for some reason when I started I was labouring under a self imposed separation.  Funnily enough my day to day life is interwined in this journey so how can I possibly separate them. *insert smack up the side of the head here - Idiot*

Last year when the proverbial hit I did what any Mummy did, I put myself last, all my energies went into my youngest who had a real rollercoaster year.

At this stage we are still a little way from a formal Dx but the current label is Aspergers with ADHD traits and anxiety driven OCD.  Lots of yummy letters right???

So for the last 6 months I've been working with our prospective school, our new GP, our new Paed and a Psychologist to a) Prepare him for the start of Kindergarten or b) Find out that he wasn't ready for Kindergarten and what we needed to do to help him.

After kissing a few frogs we've found a great team of healthcare professionals who are the right fit for us and the Little Man will be starting school with his twin sister come February 1.

A lot of negative press is given to the state of our public school system but we've been fortunate to be living around the corner from a school filled with amazing teachers and support staff who are not only exceptionally skilled but also invested in their school community.  They are inclusive in their approach and respectful of our needs as a family.  I'm really looking forward to hopefully contributing to this amazing community.

But by the time the end of last year I was done, spent emotionally, professionally and physically.  I took a month off work we packed up the car and took off camping for a week.

Stripping life bare and just enjoying each day as it came is amazingly restorative.  The biggest decision we made was which beach we'd swim at that day and what we'd have for dinner.

The one thing this did illuminate is solidify my desire to change my life, to make choices that are good for me, not because I have to, but because I want to.

I found the wagon and I didn't just jump back on it.  I'M DRIVING IT.

Some Lessons Are Harder Than Others

I have quite a few posts coming, my head and heart are overflowing right now but I'll try and pace myself, lest I make your poor eyes bleed.

2011 has been a real bitch of a year so far.  Obviously she thought we'd had it a bit easy so she decided to test our mettle.  Well guess what???  We are made of pretty strong stuff.  You can bend our spirit, darken our hearts but you can't break us.  When the shit hits the fan all these individual entities stretch their wings and join together to become one kick arse mother and do whatever  it takes to get through the day.  My thoughts are with Lori on the loss of her beloved Tony and to those affected by the floods I hope that you find the strength to rebuild and move forward.

Before I began blogging, before I even dared, I stumbled across a blog that reached into my heart and spoke to me.  For a long time I lurked and drank the energy that came through the screen and I grew brave.  I realised that I had to make my future and the blogger that led me here was Lulu from Unperfect Life

Now as you are sadly learning Lulu has left us, I do not know the details and ultimately the details pale into insignificance, what I do realise is that my sadness has overshadowed the lesson that I need to take from "knowing" her and that is that life, however 'unperfect, is for embracing, grabbing it by the neck, giving it a shot of tequila, knocking it back and saying Fuck It let's have another.  I always thought that one day I'd get to meet her and have that tequila.  Sadly that's not to be.

Lulu this one's for you - Cheers

When Words Fail

I must firstly apologise for my blatant neglect of my little space of blogosphere.  I needed some time away to reassess, reaffirm and in general recharge.

I logged on today with so much to say but when you stare so much sadness in the face it's hard to know where to begin.

The truth is some things just make no sense.  There is no rationalisation for some events that touch and even bruise our lives.  The distinction needs to be that they bruise our lives not our spirits.  Most of us during our lifetimes will be touched by sadness that has no depth but there is resilience in our beings, we continued, changed but ultimately we continue.

What we can offer to those around us in this time of despair is understanding, patience and love.  Just knowing that you aren't alone in the middle of the night when the air is still and the distractions of the day have ceased.  Sometimes knowing that you are loved is just enough to keep you facing one more day.

To Lori, Lulu and those affected by the floods in Queensland I give you both my love and my being in any capacity that it is needed.