When Fat is A State of Mind

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Quest for Approval

Having a total mental meltdown definitely has its perks, yep that's right, a breakdown is a positive thing.  When your in the midst of that maelstrom of madness comes the renewal of your centre of being.

For so long I've been adrift from my core beliefs that I couldn't recognise anything of worth or value in myself.  I constantly needed to validate my worth by the reactions of others yet even then I could only comprehend that any positive validation was merely pity and therefore not a reliable measure.  Fucked up right?

I'm working with a fantastic psych fairly intensively and I'm re-learning who I am, who I really am not who I perceive myself to be.

The good thing is I'm learning to like who I am but at the same time my heart is bruised, how did I become so lost?

Now if only I could find those damn breadcrumbs

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's A Mans World

Warning this post will contain some bragging, self praise and generalisations.  Please page back now if these things offend you.

I have been working for my current employer for the last 7 or so years.  He's seen me through some fairly shaky times, enabled my tree change dreams but the biggest gift he's given me is his support.

I work in a testosterone industry where most women are employed in a clerical/support capacity.  It is gradually changing but it's a slow torturous process.  Anyway I've been with him since the infancy of his business and have worked my way through the business and am now the sole xx contributor to the Senior Management Team.

When I was initially appointed the reception I got made me believe that Climate Change was a crock because frosty is about 200 degrees above where we were.  Since that time I've had to put up with a fair amount of covert and not so covert attempted sabotage along with all the other pleasantries that insecure men like to dish out.  I decided that I'd let them knock themselves out because while they were focussing on me I was focussing on the end game and beating them in the only way they understand - results.

Suffice to say the more butt I kicked the more narky they got, the more influence I earned, and note I use the word earn because I bloody earnt every bit, the worse they became.  It's driving them nuts and I just keep smiling.

So 2011 rolls around and the war games begin again, you'd think they'd be sick of it but no I'm still the object of all their strategies and plans and although I have a bit of a giggle about some of the crap they carry on with it just becomes tiresome.  I mean really it's been 2 years now, newsflash - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE well except for the day when I become your Boss.  Can't wait for that one.

I truly don't understand how anyone can be so insecure that they sabotage themselves because all their energy is devoted to someone else.

How do you deal with passive aggressive behaviour?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Rock Bottom

I looked up..............

I started to spiral and as I plunged into the yawning abyss I did something I've never done.  I looked up and reached out.

The one thing I feared was my very salvation.  I found courage in my despair and I found value in me.  When I started this blog I thought I was doing it to deal with my issues with food but through blogging I found so much more.  My issues with food are a symptom of the pain in my soul and ultimately as the keeper of my soul only I can make it whole again.

I've been amazed, inspired, challenged and provoked by some amazing women in the Blogosphere and slowly I'm discovering that it's in my power to be one of those women.