When Fat is A State of Mind

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Yin and Yang of Being A Parent

My day tomorrow is the perfect example of the fine line we tread between ourselves as adults and ourselves as parents.  I'm sure you can relate. The mini man of the house is a bit of a Wiggles fan, OK slight under exaggeration, he's a Wiggles aficionado so as a special treat for him and Miss COTU I've managed to snaffle some hot potato tickets and we will be kicking back and taking in the show.  I will be leaving the venue to hook up with my main man so I can surprise him with a nice hotel room and tickets to U2.  It is himselfs' birthday on Friday so I took the opportunity to treat him and give us some alone time, well as alone as you can be in a stadium full of U2 fans, it's the thought that counts right?

This year has been a roller coaster for us as a couple and as parents, we've been so focused on our role as parents and meeting our childrens' needs that our needs as a couple have become secondary.  There has been a slow disconnect as we've struggled to expend the emotional energy as primary caregivers for our children.  When the day ends and the crisis is postponed for another day, exhaustion, both mental and physical sets in and once again you rely on the existing bond to carry you through.

Eventually though just as we slough our skin and change our identity through our experiences we need to refresh and renew our relationship as a couple not just as co-parents.  Sometimes we acknowledge why we fell in love originally and infuse that attraction with a new energy to enable your relationship to grow and enrich your life.

So once again we'll flip from parents to lovers and the challenge will be to leave the parenting behind and recognise each other as friends and lovers.

Time to fall in love all over again.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Change in Perspective

I received a phone call this afternoon which brought some lovely news.  My gorgeous niece was elected Vice Captain of her primary school, this was on top of her receiving a credit in a University sponsored competition and a Merit Award for Outstanding Effort in English.  Yes that would be a proud Aunty vibe you're picking up on, very perceptive :)  As proud as I am of my gorgeous niece this post is actually about the woman who birthed and is doing a magnificent job of raising a strong, proud, confident daughter - my sister.

Growing up my sister and I had a fairly adversarial relationship, in fact her first day home from hospital I bit her.  Not exactly a kodak family moment but that pretty much set the tone for the next few decades.  We are very much the opposite ends of the family gene pool, she is as cautious as I am reckless, she is unthinkingly giving whilst I am a closed book, she was the good daughter whilst I was the wild child, I left home at 17 whilst she still goes home for holidays.  I think it's fair that our relationship was a duty one and we had very little to do with each other voluntarily once we became adults.

In hindsight she did try and reach out to me when my train wreck of a marriage ended but I was too emotionally exhausted to even realise. We floated along for the next few years and then when the midgets were born we started to tentatively explore a relationship as adults.  It smouldered until we both got on Facebook.  Funnily enough we could keep in contact a lot more easily and we both got a sense of who the other was and I have to say that I have done her a serious disservice for all these years because as a person she's pretty spectacular.

The very things that annoyed me as we were growing up are the qualities I now admire in her.  She is loyal, loving and generous.  A school teacher by profession she is one of those teachers that parents love because they know she teaches because she longs to educate.  For children she is the teacher they remember fondly as they look back on their school days.

For me she's my friend who just happens to be my sister.  Suprisingly though she hasn't changed at all, she's always been this amazing girl/woman but I had to change my perspective to truly appreciate her.

Sometimes you need to tip your world off its' axis to gain a fresh perspective.  Sometimes it isn't them it's you.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

When Christmas is Over

I have to begin by stating that I love the Christmas holidays.  By nature I'm a giver.  I love choosing gifts that will reflect the recipient, the anticipation of how they will view said gift, the detail that goes into the presentation, putting up the Christmas Tree, singing Christsmas Carols, rumballs but as I grow older Christmas makes me sadder.

Why do we only go to this much trouble once a year.  Why do we feel compelled to acknowlege people that aren't present in our lives on a regular basis, we gorge ourselves at our tables yet everywhere around us there is loneliness, hunger and emptiness.  I truly love the spirit of generosity that colours the atmosphere at this time of year but why do we stop there?

This year I'm not sending Christmas cards, doing Christmas baking or buying gifts for people that I feel obligated to, this year I'm giving to someone who is worth more than an empty gesture made through duty.  I am truly blessed in my life, I have a roof over my head, ample food on my table, my bills are paid, I am employed and most importantly I am loved.

My Christmas Gift is an education, an opportunity for a child to fulfill their potential and a chance to break a cycle that is so easy to fall into but almost impossible to break alone.

My goal between now and next Christmas is to live each month as if it were Christmas, true Christmas not the Retailers Association construct.  To surround myself and invest myself in people who enrich me and who in turn I can contribute.  To give without expectation of reward or praise.  To treat people with compassion and respect and to enjoy every day for what it is and turn them into what they can be.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

How Wide Is The Gap?

It is said that reality is simply a matter of perception.  One of the things I struggle greatly with is how I view myself and in comparison how others view me.  I would imagine by now you've got the idea of where I might rank myself when it comes to value as a human being but I am challenged when others see good in me.  To be brutally honest if someone pays me a compliment in my head that little voice is telling me that they don't mean it that they are just taking pity on me and trying to make me feel better.

Compliments make me uncomfortable, acknowlegement of my achievements make me want to run and hide but I'm learning that when people compliment me, I will smile and say thank you and take it for what it is, an acknowlegement of someone elses' vision of me.

How do you see yourself?  Does it differ greatly from the way the world sees you?  How do you bridge that gap?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Secret Life of Me

In my head I had a vision of how my life was supposed to be and as I lost my way I saw others living my life and experienced envy.  I was so envious that they could achieve what I could only imagine and so continued the vicious circle of hatred and hope.

About a week ago I had a conversation with my Mum and for the first time actually shared some of my inner demons with her.  I was rewarded not only with her understanding but information that sheds some light on how I got to where I am.

I also decided that envy energy was simply misspent and I would be better served trying to live the life I imagined instead of simply imagining it.

I have to say in living colour is definitely all it is cracked up to be.  Even with the rain falling and the skies grey that rainbow I'm painting shines brightly through the sky.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What a Strange Feeling

I've been feeling a little strange for the past few days and after some navel gazing, which led to the removal of excess navel flint (but that's a whole other post), I came to the conclusion that this incredible lightness of being was in fact HAPPINESS.

Yes I know what the hell is that word doing in my angst ridden little blog but hey presto Mickey Mouse here I am and I must confess I may just get used to it.  It's been a big couple of weeks and let me tell you girlfriend I am channelling my inner Buffy and kicking some serious butt.  I'm getting some really good feedback professionally and you know what I deserve it, yep I do.  I've worked hard, I've overcome some fairly hefty challenges and I'm rockin' it big time.  The rewards are flowing and I'm just going with it.

Things at home are beginning to make some sense and I'm on the countdown to summer holidays at the beach, not to mention the Big Man to spread the warm and fuzzies.

So even if there are some setbacks along the way I know I can come up with the solution because after all Buffy isn't the only kick arse chick on the block.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Blame Game

I'm a firm believer in personal responsibility.  We all make choices and whatever the consequences they are our choices to make.  Free will is wondrous thing to behold.  It gives us courage, conviction, direction yet when it exists within a being with a damaged spirit it becomes a receptacle of doubt and torment and the lines between responsibility and blame begin to blur.

There are times in our life where the choices we make take us in a direction we could never predict, we come across people who will wound if for no other reason than their own amusement.  Yet when we are hurt, when our spirit is wounded we instinctively begin to attribute blame to ourselves.  We second guess our choices, we doubt our worth and we lose our confidence in our judgement.

Whatever justifications are made, whatever excuses are proffered, whatever "provocation" is tabled, if you are  victim of abuse or violence then you are blameless.  By all means take responsibility for the choices that led you to that point but there is no blame to be apportioned in your direction.  Don't be fooled into accepting the blame, lay it squarely at the feet of those who deserve it.

Today is White Ribbon Day a day for the silence to end.  A day to separate responsibility and blame.  A day to acknowledge the damage done and allow yourself the grace to heal.

To those who have survived, share your story, use your experiences to remove the shame and blame.

To those who are suffering in silence, you are not to blame, you are not alone, help is available if you find the courage to speak out.

To those of you who commits these acts of violence and abuse.  IT IS NOT OK, IT IS YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE.  YOU CAN CHANGE - if you choose to.

To those of you who have never experienced or witnessed violence or abuse, you are blessed.

Monday, November 22, 2010


For the last few days I've been trying to write Part 2 of Playing the Odds and really battling a major block.  I mean it's a birth story, it writes itself doesn't it?  Then it occurred to me why I couldn't write it - I was writing it for the wrong reason.

I've been so hung up on the diagnosis process and the label that I've felt the need for people to understand what is so amazing about my guy and why he is more than what the world labels him and for that I do his a grave disservice because that is merely my ego not my pride as a parent.

But that's not my job, his is not my story to tell for I'm am merely appearing in a supporting role.  My job is to give him what he needs so that if and when he is ready he can tell his story for who better to understand and interpret the experience.

For now I need to mix the palette of colours so that he is free to paint rainbows.

One day I will finish his birth story but for the right reasons.

Acceptance isn't easy it requires courage and strength of conviction.  More importantly it requires belief.

I don't need to justify who he is because the exciting thing isn't who he is but who he will become.

This I truly believe.

Putting a Value on Your Life

Isn't it funny as children we place ourselves at the centre of the universe and as we grow we move our orbit further and further from the sun.  Particularly once we become Mothers that elusive Me time becomes a mere idea perpetuated by those well meaning articles in womens magazines - you know the ones that feature 10 sure fire ways to put the spark back in your marriage, 12 great homemade christmas gifts and 8 great ways to earn money from home.

When do we learn to settle?  I'm trying to think back to a time when I stopped dreaming, stopped believing that I was capable of anything, worth everything and dreams were but mere desires waiting in the wings of my mind.

I can't continue to sabotage myself if I value myself.  How could I abuse something so precious?  Wantonly destroy the beauty that I possess.

After all my physical being is but merely a reflection of how I see myself.  I don't know exactly when I looked in the mirror and felt that self loathing but now I know I didn't hate what I saw, not really, I hated the fact that I no longer dreamt.

Today I give voice to my soul and she sings softly for now but with a purity that cannot be silenced.

Give yourself permission to love, start with the person you neglect the most - yourself.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

What Happens When Reality and Expectation Collide

I will get to Part 2 I promise but for the last week my mind has been bubbling away, I've been digesting, processing, mulling and generally trying to make sense of that which has no logical explanation.

When we become parents whether consciously or subconsciously we construct a reality in which we envisage our children, who they will become, how they will shape their lives.  We invest our hopes, dreams and aspirations into our childrens futures.  We gently guide and shape our children, we nuture their spirits, give them the tools to birth their dreams, provide comfort as they learn the lessons brought forth as they unfold their wings ready to soar.

As a Mother our natural instinct is to protect our babies but what do we do when their biggest threat comes from within.  Or is their biggest threat the weight of expectation? 

How much of our parenting is actually a reflection of our ego?  We all like to think that our children are the smartest, sportiest, wittiest, divine little pieces of ourselves so what happens when that reflection is skewed away from our projections?

A selfless act as a parent is acceptance.  Not only seeing but celebrating the people our children are, the potential that they carry and the unique qualities that enrich our lives.

Our role as parents is to minimise the harm, maximise the opportunity and impart our lessons learnt with enough freedom to allow them to interpret their own lessons.

Today my son gave me a gift.  He is at an age where he enjoys role playing so today he was imagining what it would be like to be Ben 10, he said "I wish I could turn like Ben 10", then he turned to me and smiled and said "No I don't I like being me" and you know what I like him being him too because being him is pretty bloody fabulous.

We offer up our love unconditionally but sometimes we need to acknowlege that our expectations are insignificant when weighed up against the wonder that is the reality of their being.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Playing The Odds Part 1

First of all I must say thank you for the support you've freely gifted me with after last nights post.  Sometimes we are lifted up where we least expect it but know that your generosity of spirit is awe inspiring.

I will post later about today and "The Report" but right now I'm still processing but suffice to say, we shall overcome or at the very least map out the detour.

Tonight I'm travelling down memory lane and looking at how far we've come.  This post comes with a warning *self indulgent maudlin ranting ahead*.

When my marriage ended I was so gun shy that a starters pistol could induce hyperventilation just watching athletics on the TV, so 6 years ago I met a man who snuck into my safe little world and proceed to turn it upside down.  Not only did he love and accept who I am but had this crazy idea  that we should splice our DNA and have a baby.  I was 37 at this stage and warned him of decreased fertility, blah, blah, blah.  Long story short and wave the magic wand (there's a metaphor for you lol) and second cycle in I'm pregnant.  Cue debilitating exorcist style vomitting and yep we're well on our way.

12 weeks in and time to book in to the hospital, I'm offered a dating ultrasound as a point of reference.  Drink the water, lay down and we're off.  Mission control we have lift off, yes heartbeat confirmed, but wait there's more.  Luckily I was laying down because Mission Control we have received signal of alien lifeform, yes for those playing at home it turned out that Baby A was in a share house because right there in living black and white grainy image was Baby B.  I must confess that the word Fuck was used as a noun, adjective and verb for the next 3 hours or so.

Apart from the compulsive expulsion of stomach contents we moved through the weeks at what seemed to be lightning speed.  Everything was on track but in the back of my mind I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Little B was nowhere near as active as Little A but I kept telling myself that it was just positioning.

A routine growth ultrasound was ordered for 28 weeks and off we went excited to be seeing the Dynamic Duo again.  Everything was perfect, so perfect that the technician told himself that he could toddle off to work again as we wrapped up the last measurements so off he went and I doubt that he made it off the hospital grounds before I heard the sound that no mother wants to hear during an ultrasound "Oh"  It's amazing how one sound can tilt the axis of the world.  Within those two letters was the unspoken sentence that changed our destiny.  The technician had done a measurement that wasn't standard but had she not done it our little boy would have almost surely have died in utero. The blood flow in one of the arteries in his umbilical cord was reversed and his blood flow was restricted.  It was expected that this would gradually reduce until his placenta ceased to function.

The on-call obstetrician was adamant that we'd have to deliver that day.  The thought of delivering at 28 weeks just terrified me and reduced me to a puddle.  Luckily I was in the right place and the head of FMU came to see me.  He was prepared to try and get me to 32 weeks, no guarantees but he'd do everything he could to protect my babies for as long as possible.  Done deal and away we went.  Ultrasounds and CTGs every 3rd day for the next 2 weeks.  Once we hit 30 weeks we started to scan every day and at 31 weeks I was admitted to hospital and we were scanning twice a day.  We were scheduled to deliver by c/section on the Tuesday (32 weeks).  The Peri had to go away for the weekend but he'd arranged for one of his attendings to open up the Dept and scan me and ring through the results.  Saturday night at about 9pm they came to get me from the ward and off for the scan we went.  Within 10 minutes they'd stopped scanning and were on the phone.  We weren't going to make Tuesday our babies would be here tomorrow morning.  In the morning we would be playing the odds...........

Monday, November 8, 2010

5 years 1 month 14 days.......

ago I fell in love.  I met a man who was destined to turn my world upside down, would cause my heart to swell until it was fit to burst, who drives me to limits I never envisaged I would encounter, whose laughter is like notes of pure happiness.  5 years, 1 month and 14 days ago my son made his entrance into the world.

My son is viewed differently to his peers, he sees the world differently to most and tomorrow we take another step on the path we have embarked.

You see tomorrow we get the report from his psych assessment.  Written in black and white will be a judgement, based in fact, that will give us a direction, a label, a jumping off point.

My beautiful boy was gifted to me, he teaches me patience, frustration, exasperation but ultimately he teaches me to love.

Whatever the label, whichever direction we move in, he is my heartsong.

I love you to the moon and back little man, more than all the stars in the sky, brighter than the sun and bigger than the universe.

Forgiveness is a Gift

It's been a long time between posts and it's been a deliberate silence.  When Pandora came out to play she brought with her so many different emotions that I needed to be selfish.  That fight or flight instinct is so strong and the desire to delete my blog and pretend that all of that happened to someone else was so overwhelming that it took all my strength not to succumb.

I wrote that post sitting far away from home in a motel room.  In a totally alien environment far removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday life I was forced to confront my deepest fear.  My past.

Over the last few weeks I've forced myself to address not only the events of the past, but the emotions and consequences of my choices. I've cried, I've beaten myself back and blue, I've honestly looked into myself and asked myself if there are things that I could have changed what would have been the flow on effect of those changes.  I am who I am because of where I've been BUT and it's a huge BUT I don't have to be who I am because of where I've been.  Makes absolutely no sense but makes perfect sense.

It makes perfect sense because I forgive myself.  I've made mistakes and I've paid a heavy price, sometimes the price is just too high but ultimately I did the best I could at the time I made those choices.  Would I make them again, perhaps armed with experience and knowlege I may not and in the future I wouldn't but I can't change the life I've lived I can take responsibility for the life I choose to live now.

Whilst I've struggled to make peace with myself I've struggled with my food choices.  I've backslid but this time I've been able to grab an anchor and steady myself.  This time I'm looking forward.  I'm anticipating my future instead of being held prisoner by my past.

The pain isn't magically gone but it no longer throbs with unrelenting spasms.

I have a future - one of my own making.  The possibilities are both endless and exciting.

Monday, October 18, 2010

When The Planets Align and Pandora Comes Out To Play

So for the last couple of days I've been trying to write my next post in my head.  It's hard to give voice to some events, like opening Pandoras Box.  Once you commit them to the page you breathe life into them and all that they bring with them.  I've  been vacillating between fight or flight.  I mean I'm fat for a reason, once I let go there is no turning back, nowhere to hide.  For the last 3 days I've turned on the computer, logged into my blog and then turned tail and ran.

Yesterday I picked up the paper to read that there is a proposal which would entail the creation of a Domestic Violence Register along with a nice little sidebar of women applying for AVOs and why they were.  Nice little puff encapsulating the circumstances behind the AVO.

This misapprehension that Domestic Violence is physical makes my heart ache because for 20 years I was at the mercy of an abuser who never laid a finger on me yet he raped my soul every single day.  He tore me down day after day after day until there was nothing left.  How do you stand in court and ask for protection against that?  Sometimes I used to think it wouldn't be so bad if he hit me because then there would be a mark and maybe someone would notice.

Domestic violence is not only physical it is emotional, financial, sexual and geographical.  It is ruled by fear and shame and self loathing.  Like the ripples in a pond the shockwaves spread outward infecting all around but at the same time wrapped in a cloak of invisibility.

Behind many doors in all types of neighbourhoods the scenes are being played out night after night.  We talk of bullying in schools but where do the bullies go when they leave school - they move into the community and find new victims.

Like any bully once they find a weakness they work it and they have the perfect weapon - SHAME.

How many times have you heard a conversation and had people categorically state if x,y or z happened to me I'd be out of there in a heartbeat.  It's easy to make that determination when you aren't in a situation that isn't healthy but imagine if someone in that conversation is, how weak do they feel?  Everyone else would leave so why can't I?

How many times have you heard someone say that they've tried to help but they didn't leave so there is nothing you can do and they're on their own.  Leaving in itself can be a journey where small steps are taken.  No one else can set the timetable but being told you are a failure when you are already told how stupid, useless, fat, ugly....... only reinforces that not only is everything you are being told true but that you deserve it because you can't hurt yourself.

The signs are subtle, control is exerted gradually and in seemingly inocuously until it's too late and it's all done in the name of love.  I only ......... because I love you.  I'm only doing this because I want you to be the best you can be........

So you continue going through the motions, to the outside world you look like you have a perfectly ordinary life and all the while your spirit is drowning and you begin to bury the pain by eating because that's the one thing you have control over.  You choose when you eat, what you eat and how much but like everything else in your life before you know it you realise that not only don't you have control but you've become everything you've been told - literally a self fulfilling prophecy.

The cycle of hate continues

Friday, October 15, 2010

What Does Your Fat Protect You From?

Unless there is a medical reason people don't just "get" fat.  You can't wake up one morning bounce out of bed and look in the mirror only to discover that somehow 40kgs found it's way onto your body while you slept.  Admittedly for most it is a gradual thing but for those who are obese/morbidly obese and have been for a number of years the fat is a cushion, a protection against their mind.  Above all it's an excuse.  You miss out on that job, someone doesn't like you, bad things happen in your life - hell it's fat discrimination.  Indignation ensues and it's quite easy to dodge the responsibility for your life.  We don't eat to excess, sometimes to the point of being physically ill because we're hungry.  We eat because while the food is going in the sound of you chewing stops the voice inside that says hey I'm hurting, I need some help - HEELLLP MEEEEEE.  It's easier to eat right??

I haven't really begun to focus on my diet and exercise in earnest, because truly what is the point?  As long as that little voice inside my soul is screaming then I will never exorcise the demons and change my life.  Every action and inaction will be reactive instead of proactive and the cycle of abuse continues.

My next few blog posts will involve opening an emotional vein so if raw emotion offends now might be the time to move along because I can guarantee this ain't going to be pretty but neither is real life, but if voyeurism is your thing pull up a comfy chair.  My only request is can you make the popcorn air popped please.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Is My Family the "new" Frangipani????

I have so much to share about my first session with the program but I really need to have the time to be able to convey it all but rest assured it's all good.  As I was shuttling the brood around to appointments etc I came across my new pet hate.  I'm talking about the "My Family" stickers that are now stealthily infiltrating the back window of cars everywhere.  It's like bindis in your lawn one sneaks through and before you know it you're doing the Lindy Hop all over the backyard.

I'm just not sure whether it is just an annoyance or is it an underground campaign to reduce the number of children being abandoned in carparks.  Is it a checklist for forgetful parents so that they take home everyone they bring?  You could line everyone up at the back of the car and have an illustrated checklist.  You know how it goes.... #1 son - check, # 2 son - check, #1 daughter - check, Grandma - check, dog - check .......   I've done a bit of research and there are all types of configurations of "family" although I couldn't see the Mum with a bottle of Mothers Little Helpers in her tracky daks and fluffy slippers but I'm sure it's on the way. This leads us to the next question - if you do need an illustration of your family on the back of your car do you go with earnest and portrait like or caricature it and just take the piss?  Where do you draw the line, if your family is like mine, Brady Bunch on crack, do you add exes with whom you share children, what about their new partners and children, honestly I'd need a bigger car!

When you think about it why stop with the family you could start getting singles to illustrate their preferences on the back windows, you know little icons for moonlit beach walks or maybe some colour coding to make it easier, why we could have RSVP on wheels.  Who needs alcohol, speed and fatigue to contribute to the road toll when these little gems are everywhere.

Bring back the frangipanis I say

Friday, October 8, 2010

Something Worthwhile

I was just visiting the delightful Lucy from Diminishing Lucy and was inspired to read that she's doing a run on the weekend and even better doing it for a truly worth cause.  If you can help out please pop over and help her to reach and surpass her goal.  Every little bit I'm sure will be gratefully received and WILL make a difference.

Consider it your Random Act of Kindness for today.

Another Discovery

Can I just mention how much I love the Blogosphere <3 <3  Where else can you meander through the links and come across absolute Pearlers like this

Every day I'm rewarded with inspiration, a difference of opinion that makes me stop and re-evaluate what I believe in, definite WTF moments and a good old belly laugh.

I'd love if you'd share with me some of your favourite blogs.  Why is it a favourite? There are some truly amazing writers out there and I'm a firm believer in the power of the written word.


So one week ago I set some goals for this week so time for a review

Just to recap

So my goals for the coming week are:

  • Examine the past and write closure letters and file in a sealed memory box for future destruction
  • Look at myself honestly and come up with 10 things I like about myself and 10 things I don't like.  I will publish this list next Friday
  • Start an emotional journal.  Pay close attention to how I respond to others.
  • Drink water
  • Do one physical activity every day.

  • I did write those letters and it was incredibly confronting.  I think until you really take a close look at some things you can just be pushing things down and shovelling food on top to keep these things down because confronting them is not only incredibly scary but it also strips of us of our excuses, you know the ones, my Mother didn't love me, I was abused, I was bullied, I didn't get to do the one thing I dreamed about.  Let me clarify by saying that these things are horrific and aren't being trivialised but it isn't what happened to us that defines us but how we rise from the ashes.  When we hold on to things they become our barrier between us and life.  If we hold these things in front of us we don't have to connect with our lives and we don't run the risk of being hurt but we are short changing ourselves.  There is no passion in safety.  To live life we have to experience it, warts and all, the joy, the pain, the happiness and the sadness.  Put simply - we need balance.  I am going to publish one of the letters I wrote, just to remind myself that it's OK, I'm OK.
  • My emotional journal has been an interesting one.  It's funny how during a day the triggers that make us want to eat.  Once that intensity comes in the first instinct is to tamp it down rather than embrace it.  Funnily enough though my biggest food failure this week came not from emotion but lack of planning.  Lesson learnt.
  • Epic fail.  I got nowhere near this one and I know that this will continue to challenge me.  If anyone has any tips on how they learnt to love H20 I'm all ears - well I'm all arse but it's a deaf arse.
  • I've been trying to leave work on time and go home and take my kids for a bike ride.  Not overly strenuous but at least I'm moving, I'm also a lot more conscious of things like taking the stairs, walking not driving, just re-learning not to take the lazy shortcut is a challenge in itself and I know that the more active I become the more I'll enjoy it.  Now that daylight saving is here and the weather is getting warmer it'll be time for swimming and all things water which I love, not to mention the fact that there is less pressure on the joints.

You may notice that the above recap is slightly out of order because the hardest thing I found about this weeks goals was the likes/dislikes list although if I'm going to be 100% truthful the dislikes side was a piece of cake it's just the likes side that was like climbing Everest.  Hopefully by the end of my transformation it will be like running up an anthill - here's hoping anyway


  • I am loyal - if we are friends I will back you to the hilt, I won't be afraid to tell you that I don't agree with you but I won't allow anyone else to attack you.
  • I have a mind full of useless information which comes in very handy at trivia nights, I may forget my own name sometimes but odds on I will remember the summer #1 release in 1974.
  • I have a very dry sense of humour and a love of the absurd.
  • I have no fashion sense whatsoever and it doesn't bother me at all.
  • I love sports and will give anything a go once.
  • I definitely find more joy in giving than receiving.  I love giving gifts that are based on what I know about someone.
  • I have the ability to "cope" with anything that is thrown at me.  I can't guarantee you won't need a raincoat when IT hits the fan but there is always a solution.
  • I cook with passion and hate following recipes, I like to adjust to taste.
  • I believe that compassion is a virtue not a weakness.  I live my life littered with Random Acts of Kindness, not because I should but because I want to.
  • I laugh loudly and often


  • I am shy to the point of phobic
  • If self esteem was a number I would be -73
  • I don't believe in my own abilities
  • Being unable to accept a compliment
  • I need to accept that perfection isn't a realistic goal so being a perfectionist will only end in tears.
  • I can't ask for help
  • Crying when I'm angry
  • Judging myself more harshly than I would ever judge anyone else
  • I am impatient
  • I am a procrastinator

You may notice that nothing on the list relates to the physical me.  Whilst that list would be endless it is unimportant because the things I like/dislike physically can all be linked to the lists above.  My battle isn't with my body image it is with my inner self.  My body is a symptom of my internal war, it is the shell I inhabit but it isn't who I am.  We focus on our physical being we project our misery on our physical body but the reality for most of us is that we could look like Elle McPherson and still hate ourselves.

Tomorrow is my first appointment so I'll be updating what happens and setting my program for the week.  From here on in I'll be focussing on the mechanics as well as the healing.  I'll also be taking photos although I'm not ready to start posting them yet.  One day......

So the end of another week and this weeks lesson is it isn't a failure if you've learnt how to prevent it from happening again.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Subtle Shift

I'm at the beginning of a long and winding road yet the things that are happening fill me with hope.  It's almost as if my nerve endings are singing. 

Perhaps blogging has brought it into plain sight but I find myself questioning food choices, exercise - incidental and otherwise, self care and clothing choices.

In some unusual way since I've begun to regain control and I've begun to care about me again.  Now don't read this as I'm under control and it's all butterflies and kittens but for the first time in years I actually feel like I can make choices I can live with.  The compulsion is still there and the sense of self loathing still lurks in the backround but I can look in the mirror honestly and look forward rather than looking for something to smash the mirror.

I'm thinking I should just change my name to Scarlett because "After all tomorrow is another day"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Some Kind Of Wonderful

My life is a little like The Brady Bunch on crack, the whole his, mine, ours vibe.  Now the his and mine are a lot older than ours so it's an interesting dynamic.

By the time I met Himself his daughter was already an adult so we've always had a friendship rather than parental relationship.  She already has a mother, who is now part of our extended family, she doesn't need another.  All in all she's a pretty special woman and a fantastic big sister to Miss COTU and the Pocket Rocket but this weekend she joined another club when she became a mother for the first time.

We welcome a beautiful little boy into our family.  There is something life affirming about the birth of a baby.  When you gaze at them both helpless and innocent.  The possibilities are endless, the responsibility huge yet one accepted willingly.  As his family we embrace his life and all the gifts that we can bestow upon him and that we will receive from him as he grows and learns.

As Miss COTU so eloquently put it "he's amazing isn't he?"  Yes my darling he certainly is all that and more.

Welcome to the world Nathaniel the world is definitely a much richer place with you in it.  To B & J congratulations on the biggest base jump without a parachute - also known as Parenthood.  I have every faith that with you both being such beautiful people you will tackle parenthood with that same spirit.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


A little while ago I was going through a particularly difficult time with one of my children and I found myself careering towards rock bottom, looking back it was self indulgent crap but sometimes we just need to wallow as we adjust.

In truth I just shut down tight.  I locked everyone out and just retreated into my shell to lick my wounds and recharge that emotional battery so that I could keep going.  I was totally selfish but you know that was OK because it wasn't about what anyone needed me to be but what I was capable of being.  So here I am having my own private pity party and I was searching.  Searching for answers, trying to make sense of where I was and what I needed to do to move forward and I stumbled across the Blog of Kelle Hampton, Enjoying the Small Things .  Now I'm never going to have the whole happy happy joy joy thing going on, there's just too much dark in me, I mean isn't black slimming?  But whilst I'm not going to have that glass overflowing reading this blog taught me that it isn't about what's in the glass because that changes from moment to moment - it's the glass that's important and if that glass isn't doing it for you any more - CHANGE IT!!!!  Reading this blog refocused me, it open that corner in my mind that said anything is possible.  Continuing to read it actually made me start to actually believe that anything is possible.  Now I don't "know" Kelle Hampton and probably never will but I will forever owe her a debt of gratitude for just opening me up to the possibilities and grasping the concept that will change them to probabilities.  As fate is wont to weave her magic spell I came across this post today and the quotation  This post has a quotation from Natalie Goldberg that is very apt but the sentence that is burnt into my brain is "If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you"

Friday, October 1, 2010

Breaking the Cycle

I have a couple of girlfriends IRL who have my back ALWAYS.  If it was 3am, I was in lock up and had 1 phone call then they would be on the list and I know when they'd finished laughing hysterically they would come and bail me out, if they weren't there with me anyway.  They've seen me at my best, definitely at my worst and in spite of this love me anyway.  They know that I have the bail money for them and I will celebrate their triumphs and kick the arse of anyone who needs it.  I have one biological sister who I love dearly but I have 5 additional sisters that I have no blood connection to whatsoever.  They are my family of choice.  So what I hear you ask, the point is?  Well one of my heart sisters rang last night and after the obligatory 4 hour phone call and the sleep deprivation this morning I have some clarity.

For me to successfully change the direction of my addiction and life I need to acknowledge why I medicate with food, not just the emotions but the excuses, the symptoms.  I need to look at my life and the events that have shaped it and have moulded my psyche.  I need closure damn it!  While I was talking to my friend I realised that I need to learn to accept that things have happened and I can't change the outcome but I can stop taking continuing responsibility.  Certain events will always have a level of hurt and regret but I can't keep beating myself up over what happened.  It is what it is - all I can do is take the lessons and make sure I deal with circumstances to prevent a similar outcome.  I need to stop taking responsibility for others, I can't control how they react or what they do.  I can control my response to their actions, I can deal with circumstances in a positive manner that isn't going to harm me.  I've also set a realistic timeframe for my lifechanges and to complete my To Do List.  By Christmas 2012 I will be living a healthy life that is balanced between my physical and emotional needs.

I need to lose the shame and the embarassment.  I am who I am and who I am right now doesn't need to be who I remain.  Time to get reaquainted with Me. 

So my goals for the coming week are:

  • Examine the past and write closure letters and file in a sealed memory box for future destruction
  • Look at myself honestly and come up with 10 things I like about myself and 10 things I don't like.  I will publish this list next Friday
  • Start an emotional journal.  Pay close attention to how I respond to others.
  • Drink water
  • Do one physical activity every day.

I would like to end today by saying how much I've appreciated the support that you've all shown me in the short time I've been around.  It's so much easier to have company for the road trip.

To those of you who understand all to well the battle that I face each and every day your guidance is not only appreciated but actively sought.

Every day bring fresh hope, resolve and realism.

Bending reality is possible if you believe it to be so.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Newbie Blogger

Obviously I'm a fairly recent convert to the Blogosphere, or as I like to label it - fashionably late.  I will never be accused of being a trendsetter, mainly because I'm clearly clueless about fashion, pretty things and collecting.  I've always been one to get there in my own time in my own way.  My sense of humour tends to run a little dark and I see the absurd where others don't.  So if you read a comment and think "You twat" please assume my twatness isn't intentional but a product of my twisted mind.

I will state up front that I don't get the Twilight obsession, I've read and re-read trying to see what I've missed but I just keep coming up empty.  Edward is more than a little controlling and pale and stringy should apply to mozarella not men and Jacob just makes me feel dirty, like an ageing flasher hanging outside a primary school.  So it probably wasn't a good idea for my girlfriends' to drag me along to the screening of New Moon.  Apparently it's not meant to be a comedy, go figure, because I found it pretty amusing, although judging from the filthies I received each time I giggled my SOH clearly wasn't appreciated.

Anyway back on to the garden path.  Being a blog virgin I'm not switched to Blog Ettiquette.  As I've been meandering through Blog Central I've found Blogs that challenged, educated or amused me and I've exercised my right to stalk follow.

Thanks mainly to the outstanding PR skills of Mrs Woog (can I just say that I do have a little crush) I appear to have attracted some delightful followers of my own and this is where my question of blog ettiquette comes into play.  What is the accepted when it comes to following, is there an unwritten expectation that you follow your followers and in effect become a giant daisy chain?  What about comments?  Are you expected to comment religiously or is it acceptable to comment when you actually have something to say?

As I've already posted I am more than a tad shy so posting a link to my blog when I comment is about as likely to happen as me having rampant afternoon sex with David Beckham.

I have noticed a few comments where there is a link to that individuals' blog.  Personally it isn't something I could do, but hey different strokes, so how do you feel about blatant self promotion in the comments section of your blog?  Are you going to read their blog or are you going to avoid it on principle?

Which brings me to my next question, is blogging a giant popularity contest?  Does size matter?  If you have a small or non existent following should  you hang your head in shame or do you just embrace the obviously discerning readership you've garnered and revel in your exclusivity?

So experienced bloggers tell me the dos and don'ts.  What would you tell all newbie bloggers starting out?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Acting Rather Than Thinking

So last night I'd decided on a course of action to get my groove thing back.  I had a plan and I needed to make it happen.

I should confess right now that I am the Queen of Procrastination, why do it now when it can sit perfectly content until later, of course this then results in me burning copious amounts of midnight oil to meet deadlines.  That along with genetics may explain why I pay massive amounts of money to my camouflage expert aka Hairdresser, stress will do it to you every time.

But in the spirit of onward and upward this morning I sucked all that terror (did I mention my extreme social phobia???) anyhoo I shrugged off the crippling paralysis and sent off an email to the Director of a Community Choir in the next suburb, no going back now and I've had a reply.  Not only did they not tell me to go far away but I've been invited to join them for their next rehearsal.

OMG let the obsessing begin

A plan is good but action is better.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Essence of Happiness

Something the very wise Seraphim blogged today got me thinking.  Do we fall into the habit of unhappiness.  Is it easier to focus on the struggles than celebrate ourselves.

When I think back to my childhood I was blessed to have a joyful childhood.  It was carefree and allowed me to dream and believe and laugh with pure happiness.  Each day was an adventure.

How is it that as we grow we lose that joy.  We forget to embrace the little things that bring happiness.  We invest so much of ourselves in others, we becomes wives, partners, mothers, daughters, employees, we divide our inner self into so many different pieces that we lose our identity and without that core we become rudderless living to serve our many masters.

I believe that to break the cycle of addiction I need to be able to have those moments of joy.  To be a little selfish and instead of trying to use food to nourish my soul I need to find that passion that will provide the nourishment that I seek through food.

As a child I sang in a choir and a few times a year we used to go to the local Retirement Village and sing for them.  I vividly remember the faces of those men and women and the pleasure that we gave them just by taking the time to be there, present in their lives.  Singing allows me to give my emotions a voice.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to make a phone call and I'm going to give my inner self a voice again.

Totally OT

This post has absolutely nothing about weight, fat, or anything physical.  This is a screaming vent about the total mind fucks our learned health professionals can be.

Seriously if I screwed people around as much as GPs, Specialists and ancilliary support staff do I would be out of a job.  Not only do these people get to piss me around, stress me out and generally have me reaching for whatever alcohol is closest I then get to pay exorbitant amounts of money for the privilege.  I know HECS debt is crippling but honestly is anyone really worth that hourly rate?

For what some of these Drs are charging you could book an hour with a high end call girl and at least then you could get an orgasm out of it but no you pay this massive amount of money to get screwed with no pleasure whatsoever.

It's like the Marquis de Sade society for torture.  Every time you get one step further along they throw another curve ball at you because you don't know what the secret handshake is.

I really have a giant urge to self medicate so any lo cal alcohol suggestions will be greatly appreciated.


The Hidden Peril

(Disclaimer: This post will not reference, magical lolly fountain, personalised gift bags or themed splendour)

Apologies for my silence but this weekend was a biggie - the dreaded childrens birthday party.  Now over the years I've hosted more than my fair share of birthday parties, in fact I'm sure that my alcohol intake rose sharply in 1999 due to a memorable 5th birthday party, anyway I digress.  So this weekend we had another birthday party and fact # 1 is that we don't do party food for the children, why bother - they don't eat it anyway.  We do party food for the other parents, all that competitve motherhood rolled up into one neat little parcel.  The downside of party food is that because the kids don't eat it means mountains of leftover and more parental grazing than the savannahs of Africa.

Having a defective craft gene means that anything artistic or craft is totally beyond me.  My idea of colour co-ordination is having bra & knickers from the same general direction on the colour wheel.  I decided that for the party simple was best and presented less likelyhood of total party failure so we had the usual fair with a slight twist, I also served a healthy options menu for the parents.  We had fruit platters which funnily enough the kids devoured before the high octane stuff and options that were filling without a calorie count equal to the national debt. 

For me it wasn't about prohibition it was about portion control and I have to say that it was a HUUUUUUGE A++++ for me.  Yep you read it right I passed.  In keeping with the honesty of this blog I will tell you that I ate a little of most things but the key word here is little.  What leftovers there were haven't been binge eaten and I think I only managed about 3 mouthfuls of cake before I was distracted and the cake moment past.

Then I backed it up last night with a voluntary salad.   Seriously I'm starting to scare myself..........................
and I like it :)

I think in the early stages of this change it's all about the planning.  With every plan there is less room to lie to yourself and make excuses.

So here's to a week with a plan.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Dare To Dream

I tend to be a little bit AR (anally retentive for those playing at home) so in the time honoured tradition of overthinking I've decided to start a list of all the things I'd like to do as I become the unleaded version of myself.

1.   Run around with my children for as long as they want to.
2.   Ride the new rollercoaster at Dreamworld and be able to sit in the seat without taking a crowbar
3.   Wear a singlet top
4.   Eat out without feeling like a circus freak show attraction
5.   Play netball
6.   Wear heels
7.   Skydive
8.   Scuba dive on the Barrier Reef
9.   Run a 10K Fun Run for Charity
10. Play a pick up game of cricket
11. Go to the gym because I feel like it
12. Take a dance class
13. Join a community choir
14. Go shopping and try on clothes and enjoy it.
15. Walk into a shop, any shop and be able to grab something off the rack
16. Get a spray tan
17.  Fly without a seatbelt extension
18. Run up stairs without a threatened coronary
19. Learn to surf
20. Go cycling with my family

I'm sure this list will ebb and flow as goals are reached and new ones set but if you're going to jump off a cliff you may as well aim high.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Baby Steps

I did it!!!! I've taken the first step to separation.  Backround: I'm a firm believer in the "it takes a village to raise a child" philosophy.  The mix of people we surround our babies with colour the person they become so as parents we choose a rich tapestry of traits that we hope will imbue the people our babies become so is it unreasonable to want to take this approach to my life changes?  I think not so I've made contact with an organisation who take a whole person approach to weight management.  Does it cost $$$$, some but not nearly what I expected and tbh not anywhere near what I spend on self destructing so win/win right???  It's a 6 month program so no quick fixes in sight and is a mix of qualified professionals and educators with the focus being on wellbeing.  I don't want a diet, I can do diets but let's face it diets are a short term fix and I want a long life.

Now for the downside: I don't have my initial appointment for another 2 weeks, have some consideration please, it's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can acknowlege who I am and that I need help, patience is an acquired taste and I've never gotten the flavour.

I'm ready NOW :)

As Buzz would say To Infinity and Beyond

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Truth # 1 - No Excuses

I've always been a big believer in personal responsibility.  To my mind some things are a given when you become a "grown up", you vote, you pay taxes, you pay your bills AND you take responsibility for your choices.  The great thing about free will is that we all have it but we need to exercise it.  Freedom of choice like any freedom comes with responsibility.  You make the choice then you need to own it.  This has been a major failing of mine.  In the past I've had every excuse under the sun for why I make the choices I do, some justified and some not but ultimately I still made that choice.  No one has force fed me, no one has taken the healthy option from my plate and substituted the fat laden, calorie ridden alternatives I've indulged.

I am an emotional eater, an addict, food is my drug of choice.  Just like any other drug addict there has to be that turning point, that rock bottom moment that slaps you in the face and let me tell you that bone crunching thud is a doozy.

Mine is very recent and very raw and came through a veiled Facebook comment.  No names were used but being as I'm not an idiot there was no doubting who it was directed at.  Was it hurtful?  hell yes  Was it cruel?  undoubtably  Was it true? To my mortification, yes it is.

Fat discrimination isn't a new thing but somewhere in the progression of society it is becoming more acceptable to heap shame, scorn and ridicule on the fat amongst us.  To sit in judgement based on appearances and the "laziness" of the obese.  If only it were that simple.

The unvarnished truth is that until you are prepared to take personal responsibility you cannot begin to change.  How can you change what you don't accept?

Today I accept that I have abused my body to such an extent that my health is being damaged.  My soul is being damaged by the hurt I feel with every rejection.  The pain I feel when I'm judged by what I look like rather than who I am.  Tired of being told how I have "a pretty face".  I don't have a pretty face, perhaps one day I used to have a pretty face but when I look in the mirror and see the bloated, doughy face staring back at me I know the truth.

So today I accept that only I have the power to change this.  The hopes, dreams and desires that are withering and dying within me can only be nourished by the warmth of my heart.

Today I dare to dream.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Obligatory First Post

Ah the pressure of a opening post.  Revealing yet self conscious at the same time.

Let's set the mood shall we? I'll start by sharing a little about who I am.  A forty something professional who is only just realising what she wants to be when she grows up, just call me a late bloomer, one of the by-products of the whole growing up process is that you begin to realise not only who you want to be but the flipside is who you don't want to be.  I've realised that I don't want to be the Fat Chick any longer. 

I'm a very private person so sharing is akin to me opening a vein and serving refreshments for the Undead Class Reunion, oh, and asking for help is a near impossibility.

I'm a moderately intelligent woman so I already know the mechanics of what needs to be done to achieve a healthy lifestyle, what I need to come to grips with is emotionally, how to put into place the tools that will get me where I need to be.  Consistently my efforts to change are futile against my self sabotage.  I really rock the whole self sabotage gig.

Hence me fleeing to the anonymity of Blog Land.

So welcome to my Nightmare