tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12407632449732474002024-02-09T04:40:37.833+11:00When Fat is A State of MindFollowing the path to the separation of the physical and emotional link to obesityCurvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-29683835723906147992014-08-13T09:36:00.001+10:002014-08-13T09:36:22.533+10:00Everything's the same, Nothing stays the same.It's been a very long time since I've blogged. In fact I stopped blogging because it was leading me into a headspace that was very unhealthy for me. I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be blogging anymore but recent events have seen the words just percolating inside my head and the urge to get them out of my head is overwhelming so here I am back in my little space be it ever so humble.<br />
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I do want to say up front what I will write are my thoughts that are relevant to my situation. Please feel free to disagree and even debate with me but try not to take offence because they aren't a judgement of your situation they are simply my thoughts and experiences.<br />
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So since the death of Robin Williams my Facebook has been overloaded with a plethora of variations of R U OK? Let's talk about mental illness, there is no shame in mental illness. All very valid in their isolation but as part of the big picture frustrates the hell out of me. The one trigger for me was the talk of the cowardice of suicide and the pain left behind.<br />
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I have been personally touched by suicide and suicide like any other unexpected/unexplained death causes pain to those left behind but I always tend to think of the pain that the person committing suicide was suffering. The absolute absence of light that cause them to seek their self termination.<br />
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There is a large push for the legalisation of Euthanasia and in other parts of the world it is in fact legal. Now it is acceptable if you are suffering from a terminal physical illness that you should be allowed to die with dignity and choose your time of death yet if someone who is suffering a mental illness is to do the same it is condemned, lamented and generally met with anger & feelings of betrayal.<br />
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I don't believe that any one person should have the determination of another humans right to die. Who am I to dictate that another living being should have to endure a daily struggle through their own mental pain to satisfy my need for the status quo. My need for them to be in my life.<br />
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Am I saddened by the passing of Robin Williams death? Deeply, as an admirer of his talent I lament the loss of a personality that radiated beyond the space he inhabited. We are left a legacy of his body of work that stretches through several different branches of the arts. We can continue to hold that close but for the man beneath that projection I wish him peace.<br />
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Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-17568284316378505592011-09-04T20:24:00.000+10:002011-09-04T20:24:22.719+10:00Why Being Selfish Doesn't Have To Be A NegativeFor many years I've felt myself unworthy of attention, including attention from myself. I wouldn't go so far as to say I've learnt to love myself but I'm beginning to value who I am.<br />
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I'm beginning to realise that I have to set the example to the rest of the world of what I deserve. How I treat myself sets the standard of how others treat me.<br />
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As a mother I think too often we confuse our roles and mothers and women. To devote any time to one doesn't have to detract from the other, in fact, achieving that balance between Mum and Me can only enhance the joy we bring to the other.<br />
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Every day I strive to do something that is simply my own. It doesn't have to cost money, it doesn't have to take long, the only prerequisite is that it is Mine.<br />
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What do you do to value you?Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-79312596332760725052011-08-30T19:48:00.000+10:002011-08-30T19:48:49.134+10:00The Quest for ApprovalHaving a total mental meltdown definitely has its perks, yep that's right, a breakdown is a positive thing. When your in the midst of that maelstrom of madness comes the renewal of your centre of being.<br />
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For so long I've been adrift from my core beliefs that I couldn't recognise anything of worth or value in myself. I constantly needed to validate my worth by the reactions of others yet even then I could only comprehend that any positive validation was merely pity and therefore not a reliable measure. Fucked up right?<br />
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I'm working with a fantastic psych fairly intensively and I'm re-learning who I am, who I really am not who I perceive myself to be.<br />
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The good thing is I'm learning to like who I am but at the same time my heart is bruised, how did I become so lost?<br />
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Now if only I could find those damn breadcrumbsCurvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-48155191310448583152011-08-23T20:46:00.000+10:002011-08-23T20:46:02.045+10:00It's A Mans World<b>Warning this post will contain some bragging, self praise and generalisations. Please page back now if these things offend you.</b><br />
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I have been working for my current employer for the last 7 or so years. He's seen me through some fairly shaky times, enabled my tree change dreams but the biggest gift he's given me is his support.<br />
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I work in a testosterone industry where most women are employed in a clerical/support capacity. It is gradually changing but it's a slow torturous process. Anyway I've been with him since the infancy of his business and have worked my way through the business and am now the sole xx contributor to the Senior Management Team. <br />
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When I was initially appointed the reception I got made me believe that Climate Change was a crock because frosty is about 200 degrees above where we were. Since that time I've had to put up with a fair amount of covert and not so covert attempted sabotage along with all the other pleasantries that insecure men like to dish out. I decided that I'd let them knock themselves out because while they were focussing on me I was focussing on the end game and beating them in the only way they understand - results. <br />
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Suffice to say the more butt I kicked the more narky they got, the more influence I earned, and note I use the word earn because I bloody earnt every bit, the worse they became. It's driving them nuts and I just keep smiling.<br />
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So 2011 rolls around and the war games begin again, you'd think they'd be sick of it but no I'm still the object of all their strategies and plans and although I have a bit of a giggle about some of the crap they carry on with it just becomes tiresome. I mean really it's been 2 years now, newsflash - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE well except for the day when I become your Boss. Can't wait for that one.<br />
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I truly don't understand how anyone can be so insecure that they sabotage themselves because all their energy is devoted to someone else.<br />
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How do you deal with passive aggressive behaviour?Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-81517074686033466302011-08-23T20:27:00.000+10:002011-08-23T20:27:27.110+10:00A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Rock BottomI looked up..............<br />
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I started to spiral and as I plunged into the yawning abyss I did something I've never done. I looked up and reached out.<br />
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The one thing I feared was my very salvation. I found courage in my despair and I found value in me. When I started this blog I thought I was doing it to deal with my issues with food but through blogging I found so much more. My issues with food are a symptom of the pain in my soul and ultimately as the keeper of my soul only I can make it whole again.<br />
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I've been amazed, inspired, challenged and provoked by some amazing women in the Blogosphere and slowly I'm discovering that it's in my power to be one of those women.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-74211685609940504952011-02-02T20:54:00.000+11:002011-02-02T20:54:44.898+11:00Balancing MultiplesSo my little cherubs started their school lives yesterday and it was a resounding success. They both embraced it wholeheartedly and I managed not to be a quivering sobbing mess as they casually waved goodbye with neary a backward glance.<br />
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Today they received their classroom allocations and we have two different classes. Ah dilemna!<br />
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When they were born I encouraged everyone to acknowlege their twindom but to treat them as individuals. No matching names, clothes or toys. We do separate birthday cakes and will probably start doing separate birthday parties. They are two little people who happened to share a womb, really fetal housemates if you will.<br />
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Originally we had discussed keeping them together for Kindergarten and then separate as needed. Reality and school had different ideas and I can't praise Himself highly enough for the way he handled the situation today. When it became apparent what was happening he checked with both midgets how they felt about it and then told the AP that we would prefer a watch and see approach. Both our little ones have strengths and weaknesses and I am so pleased that the school whilst acknowleging their relationship is looking out for their individual needs.<br />
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Each night at dinner we are doing one great thing they learnt today, one good thing about their day and one sad thing about their day. These three questions are great conversation starters and allow the children to share their thoughts without pressure. Miss COTU did say that her sad thing was that her brother wasn't with her when she learnt her great thing but both have accepted that at school they need to learn different things at different times and after all they do live together.<br />
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So all good in the world of Kindergarten again. I am so incredibly proud of how seamlessly their reality has shifted and they've embraced it for what it is and all it can be.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-88583230500697586702011-01-31T22:04:00.000+11:002011-01-31T22:04:56.633+11:00The Other WomanAs the evening cools and the breeze blows the heat from my skin it is quiet. I sit in the dark reflecting on why this day is so difficult. This school caper is nothing new, been there, done that packed more than my fair share of school lunches over the years so why is this one so tough? Originally I thought it was because they are my last. No ifs no buts this will be my last first day of school and that saddens me a little. Don't get me wrong I'm quite content to be done with the baby stage but this will be the last time my little one looks dwarfed by their uniform and backpack and head off into the world all shiny and new.<br />
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Then it hit me it isn't school that scares me, I'm dreading the other woman. You know the one, she is the most beautiful, smartest, always right woman about to take centre stage right where you've been standing. Yes I'm talking about their Kindergarten teacher. No longer are you the undisputed expert on everything because Miss *insert name here* says so.<br />
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I know it's nice to share but just for tonight I'm going to be a little selfish, just for tonight they are still all mine.<br />
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Tomorrow I'll blink back the tears, I'll smile and tell them how wonderful this new adventure is going to be and I'll wait all day with my heart in my throat until the bell rings and they come running through that classroom door excitement bubbling through every pore, I'll pull on my big girl knickers and embrace our next set of firsts.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-41903696713320801092011-01-28T22:01:00.000+11:002011-01-28T22:01:00.032+11:00When Pain Meets The TitanicIf you read no other post can I suggest that you read <a href="http://www.rrsahm.com/2011/01/ugly.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+rrsahm%2FOpdJ+%28Random+Ramblings+of+a+SAHM%29">this</a> one. That Lori is an incredibly inspiring and brave woman is without question but this post is so raw that it is confronting in its honesty from a survivors point of view. Lori is uniquely balanced in that she has danced both sides of the fence.<br />
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We as a society are conditioned to suppress our true emotions, we touch upon issues but we don't really lay it bare because we are so concerned with everyone around us. Selflessness is to be prized but at what cost? Why are we afraid to admit that our pain is bigger than us. Is it the remnants of the "stiff upper lip" a throwback to our empiric past or is it a survival of the fittest mechanism?<br />
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There are some life events that fundamentally change who we are, hopefully we learn to live with the changes and can take the steps towards a fresh start but with any wounds comes scar tissue. You can try and excise the scar but what do you leave in its place?<br />
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Until we as a community embrace pain as a consequence of life and allow the free expression of this pain then I fear that sadly Loris' story will not be isolated but one of a chorus.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-9265636960973073452011-01-24T21:24:00.000+11:002011-01-24T21:24:06.021+11:00Having Faith or Surrendering Control?The summer days are skipping away quicker than ice cream melts on a hot afternoon. As summer retreats the first day of school draws near. Lazy morning give way to the before school dance where children dawdle as mothers grow both exasperated and late.<br />
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I've spent most of summer in denial, the logical part of me knows my babies are going to school but the Mummy in me is nowhere near ready to let go. I don't know if it is that I know that this is the last time I will wave a little one off looking as if they'll never grow into their shorts and as helpless as a kitten or whether my fears for the Little Man are just running riot.<br />
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Yesterday we went to a birthday party. Miss COTU was in her element, little social butterfly that she is but Little Man interacted a little but was more than content to do his own thing. Last night I didn't sleep very well. All I could play through my mind was the What If game. What if he can't make friends, what if he doesn't cope, what if he falls behind.<br />
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Today though I didn't achieve much at work but my mind was churning and then I thought What if. What if he makes friends on his terms, what if he learns to cope, what if he travels at his own pace.<br />
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Little Man has differences but he has so much more to offer. Maybe there will be challenges but maybe just maybe I need to let go, okay, just a little.<br />
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I can't live his life for him, but I believe in him, and I know he can.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-6100387215079149942011-01-20T08:45:00.001+11:002011-01-20T08:45:00.157+11:00Not All Angels Have WingsOn Tuesday we had our first appointment with our new Psychologist. She comes highly recommended and has huge experience dealing with young children on the Spectrum.<br />
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Honestly I think it was love at first sight, I'm talking about me :) although the Little Man was very receptive to her gentle tones and guidance.<br />
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She gets him, no wait <b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">SHE GETS HIM </span></i></b><br />
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The Little Man has very high anxiety levels which facilitates his own flavour of OCD and fairly recently a healthy dose of separation anxiety directed at me.<br />
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We made epic progress today. I'm under no illusions that it's early days and there's lots of hard work ahead but I'm filled with a sense of quiet optimism and dare I say hope.<br />
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One thing that does take me aback and this has happened with our last two appointments, both health care professionals have commented about my grasp of what is facing us and how I "know" little man. Now this has me confused. Is it not in my sons' best interest to not only acknowledge what is going on but learn as much as I can so I can best help him. I'm his Mum, why wouldn't I open a vein if that's what it took and while we're on the subject who should know my baby better than his Mama? When my babies were in NICU I used to have a chair that sat in between their humidicribs and for 16 hours a day I used to watch, every movement, every gesture, every sound, that was all I had to hold on to. He is part of me and I am part of him, we speak the same language so yes I do "know" him and I "know" him better every day.<br />
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The thing I loved about our new Psych is that he isn't just a Syndrome, someone to be cured or treated, she sees him for who he is and values the essence of him.<br />
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I read a quote about Aspergers "Nobody suffers Aspergers, nobody needs to be cured". It isn't a disease it just is. Some people have blond hair, some have red hair, some have fair skin, some have olive skin, some are NT, some are Aspie that's just the way it isCurvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-65040402148608961452011-01-19T21:55:00.001+11:002011-01-19T21:56:11.037+11:00Some Questions For Those Who Are Further Down The Road?Back on the horse so to speak and being accountable.<br />
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First goal set - check<br />
Food diary happening - check<br />
Food awareness - check<br />
Exercise plan - check<br />
Appointment booked with Nutritionist - Check<br />
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So giddy up cowboy I'm on my way and feeling pretty good, not perfect, not expecting miracles but at least I'm moving forward.<br />
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I do have a couple of areas I'm really struggling with right now so I'm calling on the been there done that got the smaller size t-shirt crew to help me out - all suggestions willingly accepted.<br />
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1. How do I learn to love water? I'm am hopelessly dehydrated and know that one of the keys to change is water consumption but it's just not happening *hangs head in shame*. So for all you previous non water drinkers how did you work it into your day?<br />
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2. How do you break the associations with bad eating habits if you can't change the situation. I know some better preparation on my part will help with availability of good choices but I'm really struggling with the bad mid afternoon cravings. I know it's in my head, I need to retrain the pleasure centre but what I want to know is how did you succeed? What are the roadblocks you created to stop yourself backsliding into bad habits.<br />
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I could really use a village right now so I'll take whatever you've gotCurvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-41866713685767194022011-01-19T08:18:00.000+11:002011-01-19T08:18:00.454+11:00Have Compass Now to Find a Centred PlaceWhen I first began to blog I decided that I wanted to blog about my headspace and journey towards fitness and balance. I haven't blogged too much about my life or family because for some reason when I started I was labouring under a self imposed separation. Funnily enough my day to day life is interwined in this journey so how can I possibly separate them. *insert smack up the side of the head here - Idiot*<br />
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Last year when the proverbial hit I did what any Mummy did, I put myself last, all my energies went into my youngest who had a real rollercoaster year.<br />
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At this stage we are still a little way from a formal Dx but the current label is Aspergers with ADHD traits and anxiety driven OCD. Lots of yummy letters right???<br />
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So for the last 6 months I've been working with our prospective school, our new GP, our new Paed and a Psychologist to a) Prepare him for the start of Kindergarten or b) Find out that he wasn't ready for Kindergarten and what we needed to do to help him.<br />
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After kissing a few frogs we've found a great team of healthcare professionals who are the right fit for us and the Little Man will be starting school with his twin sister come February 1.<br />
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A lot of negative press is given to the state of our public school system but we've been fortunate to be living around the corner from a school filled with amazing teachers and support staff who are not only exceptionally skilled but also invested in their school community. They are inclusive in their approach and respectful of our needs as a family. I'm really looking forward to hopefully contributing to this amazing community.<br />
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But by the time the end of last year I was done, spent emotionally, professionally and physically. I took a month off work we packed up the car and took off camping for a week.<br />
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Stripping life bare and just enjoying each day as it came is amazingly restorative. The biggest decision we made was which beach we'd swim at that day and what we'd have for dinner.<br />
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The one thing this did illuminate is solidify my desire to change my life, to make choices that are good for me, not because I have to, but because I want to.<br />
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I found the wagon and I didn't just jump back on it. I'M DRIVING IT.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-91041424833086486422011-01-17T19:16:00.000+11:002011-01-17T19:16:30.782+11:00Some Lessons Are Harder Than OthersI have quite a few posts coming, my head and heart are overflowing right now but I'll try and pace myself, lest I make your poor eyes bleed.<br />
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2011 has been a real bitch of a year so far. Obviously she thought we'd had it a bit easy so she decided to test our mettle. Well guess what??? We are made of pretty strong stuff. You can bend our spirit, darken our hearts but you can't break us. When the shit hits the fan all these individual entities stretch their wings and join together to become one kick arse mother and do whatever it takes to get through the day. My thoughts are with Lori on the loss of her beloved Tony and to those affected by the floods I hope that you find the strength to rebuild and move forward.<br />
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Before I began blogging, before I even dared, I stumbled across a blog that reached into my heart and spoke to me. For a long time I lurked and drank the energy that came through the screen and I grew brave. I realised that I had to make my future and the blogger that led me here was Lulu from <a href="http://lulu-unperfectlife.blogspot.com/">Unperfect Life</a><br />
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Now as you are sadly learning Lulu has left us, I do not know the details and ultimately the details pale into insignificance, what I do realise is that my sadness has overshadowed the lesson that I need to take from "knowing" her and that is that life, however 'unperfect, is for embracing, grabbing it by the neck, giving it a shot of tequila, knocking it back and saying Fuck It let's have another. I always thought that one day I'd get to meet her and have that tequila. Sadly that's not to be.<br />
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Lulu this one's for you - CheersCurvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-30730287903231007582011-01-11T23:10:00.000+11:002011-01-11T23:10:11.666+11:00When Words FailI must firstly apologise for my blatant neglect of my little space of blogosphere. I needed some time away to reassess, reaffirm and in general recharge.<br />
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I logged on today with so much to say but when you stare so much sadness in the face it's hard to know where to begin.<br />
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The truth is some things just make no sense. There is no rationalisation for some events that touch and even bruise our lives. The distinction needs to be that they bruise our lives not our spirits. Most of us during our lifetimes will be touched by sadness that has no depth but there is resilience in our beings, we continued, changed but ultimately we continue.<br />
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What we can offer to those around us in this time of despair is understanding, patience and love. Just knowing that you aren't alone in the middle of the night when the air is still and the distractions of the day have ceased. Sometimes knowing that you are loved is just enough to keep you facing one more day.<br />
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To Lori, Lulu and those affected by the floods in Queensland I give you both my love and my being in any capacity that it is needed.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-69251540542226942622010-12-13T21:16:00.000+11:002010-12-13T21:16:37.969+11:00The Yin and Yang of Being A ParentMy day tomorrow is the perfect example of the fine line we tread between ourselves as adults and ourselves as parents. I'm sure you can relate. The mini man of the house is a bit of a Wiggles fan, OK slight under exaggeration, he's a Wiggles aficionado so as a special treat for him and Miss COTU I've managed to snaffle some hot potato tickets and we will be kicking back and taking in the show. I will be leaving the venue to hook up with my main man so I can surprise him with a nice hotel room and tickets to U2. It is himselfs' birthday on Friday so I took the opportunity to treat him and give us some alone time, well as alone as you can be in a stadium full of U2 fans, it's the thought that counts right?<br />
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This year has been a roller coaster for us as a couple and as parents, we've been so focused on our role as parents and meeting our childrens' needs that our needs as a couple have become secondary. There has been a slow disconnect as we've struggled to expend the emotional energy as primary caregivers for our children. When the day ends and the crisis is postponed for another day, exhaustion, both mental and physical sets in and once again you rely on the existing bond to carry you through.<br />
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Eventually though just as we slough our skin and change our identity through our experiences we need to refresh and renew our relationship as a couple not just as co-parents. Sometimes we acknowledge why we fell in love originally and infuse that attraction with a new energy to enable your relationship to grow and enrich your life.<br />
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So once again we'll flip from parents to lovers and the challenge will be to leave the parenting behind and recognise each other as friends and lovers.<br />
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Time to fall in love all over again.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-63568230923023856882010-12-08T22:24:00.000+11:002010-12-08T22:24:28.549+11:00A Change in PerspectiveI received a phone call this afternoon which brought some lovely news. My gorgeous niece was elected Vice Captain of her primary school, this was on top of her receiving a credit in a University sponsored competition and a Merit Award for Outstanding Effort in English. Yes that would be a proud Aunty vibe you're picking up on, very perceptive :) As proud as I am of my gorgeous niece this post is actually about the woman who birthed and is doing a magnificent job of raising a strong, proud, confident daughter - my sister.<br />
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Growing up my sister and I had a fairly adversarial relationship, in fact her first day home from hospital I bit her. Not exactly a kodak family moment but that pretty much set the tone for the next few decades. We are very much the opposite ends of the family gene pool, she is as cautious as I am reckless, she is unthinkingly giving whilst I am a closed book, she was the good daughter whilst I was the wild child, I left home at 17 whilst she still goes home for holidays. I think it's fair that our relationship was a duty one and we had very little to do with each other voluntarily once we became adults.<br />
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In hindsight she did try and reach out to me when my train wreck of a marriage ended but I was too emotionally exhausted to even realise. We floated along for the next few years and then when the midgets were born we started to tentatively explore a relationship as adults. It smouldered until we both got on Facebook. Funnily enough we could keep in contact a lot more easily and we both got a sense of who the other was and I have to say that I have done her a serious disservice for all these years because as a person she's pretty spectacular.<br />
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The very things that annoyed me as we were growing up are the qualities I now admire in her. She is loyal, loving and generous. A school teacher by profession she is one of those teachers that parents love because they know she teaches because she longs to educate. For children she is the teacher they remember fondly as they look back on their school days.<br />
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For me she's my friend who just happens to be my sister. Suprisingly though she hasn't changed at all, she's always been this amazing girl/woman but I had to change my perspective to truly appreciate her.<br />
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Sometimes you need to tip your world off its' axis to gain a fresh perspective. Sometimes it isn't them it's you.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-38072903771139701552010-12-07T20:46:00.000+11:002010-12-07T20:46:15.555+11:00When Christmas is OverI have to begin by stating that I love the Christmas holidays. By nature I'm a giver. I love choosing gifts that will reflect the recipient, the anticipation of how they will view said gift, the detail that goes into the presentation, putting up the Christmas Tree, singing Christsmas Carols, rumballs but as I grow older Christmas makes me sadder.<br />
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Why do we only go to this much trouble once a year. Why do we feel compelled to acknowlege people that aren't present in our lives on a regular basis, we gorge ourselves at our tables yet everywhere around us there is loneliness, hunger and emptiness. I truly love the spirit of generosity that colours the atmosphere at this time of year but why do we stop there?<br />
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This year I'm not sending Christmas cards, doing Christmas baking or buying gifts for people that I feel obligated to, this year I'm giving to <a href="http://www.thesmithfamily.com.au/site/page.cfm?u=297">someone </a>who is worth more than an empty gesture made through duty. I am truly blessed in my life, I have a roof over my head, ample food on my table, my bills are paid, I am employed and most importantly I am loved.<br />
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My Christmas Gift is an education, an opportunity for a child to fulfill their potential and a chance to break a cycle that is so easy to fall into but almost impossible to break alone.<br />
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My goal between now and next Christmas is to live each month as if it were Christmas, true Christmas not the Retailers Association construct. To surround myself and invest myself in people who enrich me and who in turn I can contribute. To give without expectation of reward or praise. To treat people with compassion and respect and to enjoy every day for what it is and turn them into what they can be.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-3332863014275404962010-12-02T08:00:00.000+11:002010-12-02T08:00:03.381+11:00How Wide Is The Gap?It is said that reality is simply a matter of perception. One of the things I struggle greatly with is how I view myself and in comparison how others view me. I would imagine by now you've got the idea of where I might rank myself when it comes to value as a human being but I am challenged when others see good in me. To be brutally honest if someone pays me a compliment in my head that little voice is telling me that they don't mean it that they are just taking pity on me and trying to make me feel better. <br />
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Compliments make me uncomfortable, acknowlegement of my achievements make me want to run and hide but I'm learning that when people compliment me, I will smile and say thank you and take it for what it is, an acknowlegement of someone elses' vision of me.<br />
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How do you see yourself? Does it differ greatly from the way the world sees you? How do you bridge that gap?Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-4808244752384865842010-12-01T21:13:00.000+11:002010-12-01T21:13:42.822+11:00The Secret Life of MeIn my head I had a vision of how my life was supposed to be and as I lost my way I saw others living my life and experienced envy. I was so envious that they could achieve what I could only imagine and so continued the vicious circle of hatred and hope.<br />
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About a week ago I had a conversation with my Mum and for the first time actually shared some of my inner demons with her. I was rewarded not only with her understanding but information that sheds some light on how I got to where I am.<br />
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I also decided that envy energy was simply misspent and I would be better served trying to live the life I imagined instead of simply imagining it.<br />
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I have to say in living colour is definitely all it is cracked up to be. Even with the rain falling and the skies grey that rainbow I'm painting shines brightly through the sky.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-81520869749325798452010-11-30T21:22:00.000+11:002010-11-30T21:22:12.188+11:00What a Strange FeelingI've been feeling a little strange for the past few days and after some navel gazing, which led to the removal of excess navel flint (but that's a whole other post), I came to the conclusion that this incredible lightness of being was in fact HAPPINESS.<br />
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Yes I know what the hell is that word doing in my angst ridden little blog but hey presto Mickey Mouse here I am and I must confess I may just get used to it. It's been a big couple of weeks and let me tell you girlfriend I am channelling my inner Buffy and kicking some serious butt. I'm getting some really good feedback professionally and you know what I deserve it, yep I do. I've worked hard, I've overcome some fairly hefty challenges and I'm rockin' it big time. The rewards are flowing and I'm just going with it.<br />
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Things at home are beginning to make some sense and I'm on the countdown to summer holidays at the beach, not to mention the Big Man to spread the warm and fuzzies.<br />
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So even if there are some setbacks along the way I know I can come up with the solution because after all Buffy isn't the only kick arse chick on the block.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-42519317685566719292010-11-25T21:55:00.000+11:002010-11-25T21:55:29.771+11:00The Blame GameI'm a firm believer in personal responsibility. We all make choices and whatever the consequences they are our choices to make. Free will is wondrous thing to behold. It gives us courage, conviction, direction yet when it exists within a being with a damaged spirit it becomes a receptacle of doubt and torment and the lines between responsibility and blame begin to blur.<br />
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There are times in our life where the choices we make take us in a direction we could never predict, we come across people who will wound if for no other reason than their own amusement. Yet when we are hurt, when our spirit is wounded we instinctively begin to attribute blame to ourselves. We second guess our choices, we doubt our worth and we lose our confidence in our judgement.<br />
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Whatever justifications are made, whatever excuses are proffered, whatever "provocation" is tabled, if you are victim of abuse or violence then you are blameless. By all means take responsibility for the choices that led you to that point but there is no blame to be apportioned in your direction. Don't be fooled into accepting the blame, lay it squarely at the feet of those who deserve it.<br />
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Today is <a href="http://www.whiteribbonday.org.au/">White Ribbon Day</a> a day for the silence to end. A day to separate responsibility and blame. A day to acknowledge the damage done and allow yourself the grace to heal.<br />
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To those who have survived, share your story, use your experiences to remove the shame and blame.<br />
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To those who are suffering in silence, you are not to blame, you are not alone, help is available if you find the courage to speak out.<br />
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To those of you who commits these acts of violence and abuse. IT IS NOT OK, IT IS YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. YOU CAN CHANGE - if you choose to.<br />
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To those of you who have never experienced or witnessed violence or abuse, you are blessed.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-72696828641551896672010-11-22T20:37:00.000+11:002010-11-22T20:37:05.600+11:00JustificationFor the last few days I've been trying to write Part 2 of Playing the Odds and really battling a major block. I mean it's a birth story, it writes itself doesn't it? Then it occurred to me why I couldn't write it - I was writing it for the wrong reason.<br />
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I've been so hung up on the diagnosis process and the label that I've felt the need for people to understand what is so amazing about my guy and why he is more than what the world labels him and for that I do his a grave disservice because that is merely my ego not my pride as a parent.<br />
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But that's not my job, his is not my story to tell for I'm am merely appearing in a supporting role. My job is to give him what he needs so that if and when he is ready he can tell his story for who better to understand and interpret the experience.<br />
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For now I need to mix the palette of colours so that he is free to paint rainbows.<br />
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One day I will finish his birth story but for the right reasons.<br />
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Acceptance isn't easy it requires courage and strength of conviction. More importantly it requires belief.<br />
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I don't need to justify who he is because the exciting thing isn't who he is but who he will become.<br />
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This I truly believe.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-77309290837672336272010-11-22T19:51:00.000+11:002010-11-22T19:51:10.712+11:00Putting a Value on Your LifeIsn't it funny as children we place ourselves at the centre of the universe and as we grow we move our orbit further and further from the sun. Particularly once we become Mothers that elusive Me time becomes a mere idea perpetuated by those well meaning articles in womens magazines - you know the ones that feature 10 sure fire ways to put the spark back in your marriage, 12 great homemade christmas gifts and 8 great ways to earn money from home.<br />
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When do we learn to settle? I'm trying to think back to a time when I stopped dreaming, stopped believing that I was capable of anything, worth everything and dreams were but mere desires waiting in the wings of my mind.<br />
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I can't continue to sabotage myself if I value myself. How could I abuse something so precious? Wantonly destroy the beauty that I possess.<br />
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After all my physical being is but merely a reflection of how I see myself. I don't know exactly when I looked in the mirror and felt that self loathing but now I know I didn't hate what I saw, not really, I hated the fact that I no longer dreamt.<br />
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Today I give voice to my soul and she sings softly for now but with a purity that cannot be silenced.<br />
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Give yourself permission to love, start with the person you neglect the most - yourself.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-83184737915827088152010-11-16T21:31:00.000+11:002010-11-16T21:31:15.449+11:00What Happens When Reality and Expectation CollideI will get to Part 2 I promise but for the last week my mind has been bubbling away, I've been digesting, processing, mulling and generally trying to make sense of that which has no logical explanation.<br />
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When we become parents whether consciously or subconsciously we construct a reality in which we envisage our children, who they will become, how they will shape their lives. We invest our hopes, dreams and aspirations into our childrens futures. We gently guide and shape our children, we nuture their spirits, give them the tools to birth their dreams, provide comfort as they learn the lessons brought forth as they unfold their wings ready to soar.<br />
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As a Mother our natural instinct is to protect our babies but what do we do when their biggest threat comes from within. Or is their biggest threat the weight of expectation? <br />
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How much of our parenting is actually a reflection of our ego? We all like to think that our children are the smartest, sportiest, wittiest, divine little pieces of ourselves so what happens when that reflection is skewed away from our projections?<br />
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A selfless act as a parent is acceptance. Not only seeing but celebrating the people our children are, the potential that they carry and the unique qualities that enrich our lives.<br />
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Our role as parents is to minimise the harm, maximise the opportunity and impart our lessons learnt with enough freedom to allow them to interpret their own lessons.<br />
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Today my son gave me a gift. He is at an age where he enjoys role playing so today he was imagining what it would be like to be Ben 10, he said "I wish I could turn like Ben 10", then he turned to me and smiled and said "No I don't I like being me" and you know what I like him being him too because being him is pretty bloody fabulous.<br />
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We offer up our love unconditionally but sometimes we need to acknowlege that our expectations are insignificant when weighed up against the wonder that is the reality of their being.Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240763244973247400.post-69364567991957114992010-11-09T21:24:00.000+11:002010-11-09T21:24:30.775+11:00Playing The Odds Part 1First of all I must say thank you for the support you've freely gifted me with after last nights post. Sometimes we are lifted up where we least expect it but know that your generosity of spirit is awe inspiring.<br />
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I will post later about today and "The Report" but right now I'm still processing but suffice to say, we shall overcome or at the very least map out the detour.<br />
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Tonight I'm travelling down memory lane and looking at how far we've come. This post comes with a warning *self indulgent maudlin ranting ahead*.<br />
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When my marriage ended I was so gun shy that a starters pistol could induce hyperventilation just watching athletics on the TV, so 6 years ago I met a man who snuck into my safe little world and proceed to turn it upside down. Not only did he love and accept who I am but had this crazy idea that we should splice our DNA and have a baby. I was 37 at this stage and warned him of decreased fertility, blah, blah, blah. Long story short and wave the magic wand (there's a metaphor for you lol) and second cycle in I'm pregnant. Cue debilitating exorcist style vomitting and yep we're well on our way.<br />
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12 weeks in and time to book in to the hospital, I'm offered a dating ultrasound as a point of reference. Drink the water, lay down and we're off. Mission control we have lift off, yes heartbeat confirmed, but wait there's more. Luckily I was laying down because Mission Control we have received signal of alien lifeform, yes for those playing at home it turned out that Baby A was in a share house because right there in living black and white grainy image was Baby B. I must confess that the word Fuck was used as a noun, adjective and verb for the next 3 hours or so.<br />
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Apart from the compulsive expulsion of stomach contents we moved through the weeks at what seemed to be lightning speed. Everything was on track but in the back of my mind I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Little B was nowhere near as active as Little A but I kept telling myself that it was just positioning.<br />
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A routine growth ultrasound was ordered for 28 weeks and off we went excited to be seeing the Dynamic Duo again. Everything was perfect, so perfect that the technician told himself that he could toddle off to work again as we wrapped up the last measurements so off he went and I doubt that he made it off the hospital grounds before I heard the sound that no mother wants to hear during an ultrasound "Oh" It's amazing how one sound can tilt the axis of the world. Within those two letters was the unspoken sentence that changed our destiny. The technician had done a measurement that wasn't standard but had she not done it our little boy would have almost surely have died in utero. The blood flow in one of the arteries in his umbilical cord was reversed and his blood flow was restricted. It was expected that this would gradually reduce until his placenta ceased to function.<br />
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The on-call obstetrician was adamant that we'd have to deliver that day. The thought of delivering at 28 weeks just terrified me and reduced me to a puddle. Luckily I was in the right place and the head of FMU came to see me. He was prepared to try and get me to 32 weeks, no guarantees but he'd do everything he could to protect my babies for as long as possible. Done deal and away we went. Ultrasounds and CTGs every 3rd day for the next 2 weeks. Once we hit 30 weeks we started to scan every day and at 31 weeks I was admitted to hospital and we were scanning twice a day. We were scheduled to deliver by c/section on the Tuesday (32 weeks). The Peri had to go away for the weekend but he'd arranged for one of his attendings to open up the Dept and scan me and ring through the results. Saturday night at about 9pm they came to get me from the ward and off for the scan we went. Within 10 minutes they'd stopped scanning and were on the phone. We weren't going to make Tuesday our babies would be here tomorrow morning. In the morning we would be playing the odds...........Curvaceous Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051598510590214071noreply@blogger.com1