It's been a long time between posts and it's been a deliberate silence. When Pandora came out to play she brought with her so many different emotions that I needed to be selfish. That fight or flight instinct is so strong and the desire to delete my blog and pretend that all of that happened to someone else was so overwhelming that it took all my strength not to succumb.
I wrote that post sitting far away from home in a motel room. In a totally alien environment far removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday life I was forced to confront my deepest fear. My past.
Over the last few weeks I've forced myself to address not only the events of the past, but the emotions and consequences of my choices. I've cried, I've beaten myself back and blue, I've honestly looked into myself and asked myself if there are things that I could have changed what would have been the flow on effect of those changes. I am who I am because of where I've been BUT and it's a huge BUT I don't have to be who I am because of where I've been. Makes absolutely no sense but makes perfect sense.
It makes perfect sense because I forgive myself. I've made mistakes and I've paid a heavy price, sometimes the price is just too high but ultimately I did the best I could at the time I made those choices. Would I make them again, perhaps armed with experience and knowlege I may not and in the future I wouldn't but I can't change the life I've lived I can take responsibility for the life I choose to live now.
Whilst I've struggled to make peace with myself I've struggled with my food choices. I've backslid but this time I've been able to grab an anchor and steady myself. This time I'm looking forward. I'm anticipating my future instead of being held prisoner by my past.
The pain isn't magically gone but it no longer throbs with unrelenting spasms.
I have a future - one of my own making. The possibilities are both endless and exciting.