Breaking the Cycle

I have a couple of girlfriends IRL who have my back ALWAYS.  If it was 3am, I was in lock up and had 1 phone call then they would be on the list and I know when they'd finished laughing hysterically they would come and bail me out, if they weren't there with me anyway.  They've seen me at my best, definitely at my worst and in spite of this love me anyway.  They know that I have the bail money for them and I will celebrate their triumphs and kick the arse of anyone who needs it.  I have one biological sister who I love dearly but I have 5 additional sisters that I have no blood connection to whatsoever.  They are my family of choice.  So what I hear you ask, the point is?  Well one of my heart sisters rang last night and after the obligatory 4 hour phone call and the sleep deprivation this morning I have some clarity.

For me to successfully change the direction of my addiction and life I need to acknowledge why I medicate with food, not just the emotions but the excuses, the symptoms.  I need to look at my life and the events that have shaped it and have moulded my psyche.  I need closure damn it!  While I was talking to my friend I realised that I need to learn to accept that things have happened and I can't change the outcome but I can stop taking continuing responsibility.  Certain events will always have a level of hurt and regret but I can't keep beating myself up over what happened.  It is what it is - all I can do is take the lessons and make sure I deal with circumstances to prevent a similar outcome.  I need to stop taking responsibility for others, I can't control how they react or what they do.  I can control my response to their actions, I can deal with circumstances in a positive manner that isn't going to harm me.  I've also set a realistic timeframe for my lifechanges and to complete my To Do List.  By Christmas 2012 I will be living a healthy life that is balanced between my physical and emotional needs.

I need to lose the shame and the embarassment.  I am who I am and who I am right now doesn't need to be who I remain.  Time to get reaquainted with Me. 

So my goals for the coming week are:

• Examine the past and write closure letters and file in a sealed memory box for future destruction
• Look at myself honestly and come up with 10 things I like about myself and 10 things I don't like.  I will publish this list next Friday
• Start an emotional journal.  Pay close attention to how I respond to others.
• Drink water
• Do one physical activity every day.

I would like to end today by saying how much I've appreciated the support that you've all shown me in the short time I've been around.  It's so much easier to have company for the road trip.

To those of you who understand all to well the battle that I face each and every day your guidance is not only appreciated but actively sought.

Every day bring fresh hope, resolve and realism.

Bending reality is possible if you believe it to be so.