Accountability

So one week ago I set some goals for this week so time for a review

Just to recap

So my goals for the coming week are:

• Examine the past and write closure letters and file in a sealed memory box for future destruction
• Look at myself honestly and come up with 10 things I like about myself and 10 things I don't like.  I will publish this list next Friday
• Start an emotional journal.  Pay close attention to how I respond to others.
• Drink water
• Do one physical activity every day.

• I did write those letters and it was incredibly confronting.  I think until you really take a close look at some things you can just be pushing things down and shovelling food on top to keep these things down because confronting them is not only incredibly scary but it also strips of us of our excuses, you know the ones, my Mother didn't love me, I was abused, I was bullied, I didn't get to do the one thing I dreamed about.  Let me clarify by saying that these things are horrific and aren't being trivialised but it isn't what happened to us that defines us but how we rise from the ashes.  When we hold on to things they become our barrier between us and life.  If we hold these things in front of us we don't have to connect with our lives and we don't run the risk of being hurt but we are short changing ourselves.  There is no passion in safety.  To live life we have to experience it, warts and all, the joy, the pain, the happiness and the sadness.  Put simply - we need balance.  I am going to publish one of the letters I wrote, just to remind myself that it's OK, I'm OK.
• My emotional journal has been an interesting one.  It's funny how during a day the triggers that make us want to eat.  Once that intensity comes in the first instinct is to tamp it down rather than embrace it.  Funnily enough though my biggest food failure this week came not from emotion but lack of planning.  Lesson learnt.
• Epic fail.  I got nowhere near this one and I know that this will continue to challenge me.  If anyone has any tips on how they learnt to love H20 I'm all ears - well I'm all arse but it's a deaf arse.
• I've been trying to leave work on time and go home and take my kids for a bike ride.  Not overly strenuous but at least I'm moving, I'm also a lot more conscious of things like taking the stairs, walking not driving, just re-learning not to take the lazy shortcut is a challenge in itself and I know that the more active I become the more I'll enjoy it.  Now that daylight saving is here and the weather is getting warmer it'll be time for swimming and all things water which I love, not to mention the fact that there is less pressure on the joints.

You may notice that the above recap is slightly out of order because the hardest thing I found about this weeks goals was the likes/dislikes list although if I'm going to be 100% truthful the dislikes side was a piece of cake it's just the likes side that was like climbing Everest.  Hopefully by the end of my transformation it will be like running up an anthill - here's hoping anyway

Likes

• I am loyal - if we are friends I will back you to the hilt, I won't be afraid to tell you that I don't agree with you but I won't allow anyone else to attack you.
• I have a mind full of useless information which comes in very handy at trivia nights, I may forget my own name sometimes but odds on I will remember the summer #1 release in 1974.
• I have a very dry sense of humour and a love of the absurd.
• I have no fashion sense whatsoever and it doesn't bother me at all.
• I love sports and will give anything a go once.
• I definitely find more joy in giving than receiving.  I love giving gifts that are based on what I know about someone.
• I have the ability to "cope" with anything that is thrown at me.  I can't guarantee you won't need a raincoat when IT hits the fan but there is always a solution.
• I cook with passion and hate following recipes, I like to adjust to taste.
• I believe that compassion is a virtue not a weakness.  I live my life littered with Random Acts of Kindness, not because I should but because I want to.
• I laugh loudly and often

Dislikes

• I am shy to the point of phobic
• If self esteem was a number I would be -73
• I don't believe in my own abilities
• Being unable to accept a compliment
• I need to accept that perfection isn't a realistic goal so being a perfectionist will only end in tears.
• I can't ask for help
• Crying when I'm angry
• Judging myself more harshly than I would ever judge anyone else
• I am impatient
• I am a procrastinator

You may notice that nothing on the list relates to the physical me.  Whilst that list would be endless it is unimportant because the things I like/dislike physically can all be linked to the lists above.  My battle isn't with my body image it is with my inner self.  My body is a symptom of my internal war, it is the shell I inhabit but it isn't who I am.  We focus on our physical being we project our misery on our physical body but the reality for most of us is that we could look like Elle McPherson and still hate ourselves.

Tomorrow is my first appointment so I'll be updating what happens and setting my program for the week.  From here on in I'll be focussing on the mechanics as well as the healing.  I'll also be taking photos although I'm not ready to start posting them yet.  One day......

So the end of another week and this weeks lesson is it isn't a failure if you've learnt how to prevent it from happening again.