Everything's the same, Nothing stays the same.

It's been a very long time since I've blogged.  In fact I stopped blogging because it was leading me into a headspace that was very unhealthy for me.  I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be blogging anymore but recent events have seen the words just percolating inside my head and the urge to get them out of my head is overwhelming so here I am back in my little space be it ever so humble.

I do want to say up front what I will write are my thoughts that are relevant to my situation.  Please feel free to disagree and even debate with me but try not to take offence because they aren't a judgement of your situation they are simply my thoughts and experiences.

So since the death of Robin Williams my Facebook has been overloaded with a plethora of variations of R U OK?  Let's talk about mental illness, there is no shame in mental illness.  All very valid in their isolation but as part of the big picture frustrates the hell out of me.  The one trigger for me was the talk of the cowardice of suicide and the pain left behind.

I have been personally touched by suicide and suicide like any other unexpected/unexplained death causes pain to those left behind but I always tend to think of the pain that the person committing suicide was suffering.  The absolute absence of light that cause them to seek their self termination.

There is a large push for the legalisation of Euthanasia and in other parts of the world it is in fact legal.  Now it is acceptable if you are suffering from a terminal physical illness that you should be allowed to die with dignity and choose your time of death yet if someone who is suffering a mental illness is to do the same it is condemned, lamented and generally met with anger & feelings of betrayal.

I don't believe that any one person should have the determination of another humans right to die.  Who am I to dictate that another living being should have to endure a daily struggle through their own mental pain to satisfy my need for the status quo.  My need for them to be in my life.

Am I saddened by the passing of Robin Williams death?  Deeply, as an admirer of his talent I lament the loss of a personality that radiated beyond the space he inhabited.  We are left a legacy of his body of work that stretches through several different branches of the arts.  We can continue to hold that close but for the man beneath that projection I wish him peace.

Why Being Selfish Doesn't Have To Be A Negative

For many years I've felt myself unworthy of attention, including attention from myself.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I've learnt to love myself but I'm beginning to value who I am.

I'm beginning to realise that I have to set the example to the rest of the world of what I deserve.  How I treat myself sets the standard of how others treat me.

As a mother I think too often we confuse our roles and mothers and women.  To devote any time to one doesn't have to detract from the other, in fact, achieving that balance between Mum and Me can only enhance the joy we bring to the other.

Every day I strive to do something that is simply my own.  It doesn't have to cost money, it doesn't have to take long, the only prerequisite is that it is Mine.

What do you do to value you?

The Quest for Approval

Having a total mental meltdown definitely has its perks, yep that's right, a breakdown is a positive thing.  When your in the midst of that maelstrom of madness comes the renewal of your centre of being.

For so long I've been adrift from my core beliefs that I couldn't recognise anything of worth or value in myself.  I constantly needed to validate my worth by the reactions of others yet even then I could only comprehend that any positive validation was merely pity and therefore not a reliable measure.  Fucked up right?

I'm working with a fantastic psych fairly intensively and I'm re-learning who I am, who I really am not who I perceive myself to be.

The good thing is I'm learning to like who I am but at the same time my heart is bruised, how did I become so lost?

Now if only I could find those damn breadcrumbs

It's A Mans World

Warning this post will contain some bragging, self praise and generalisations.  Please page back now if these things offend you.


I have been working for my current employer for the last 7 or so years.  He's seen me through some fairly shaky times, enabled my tree change dreams but the biggest gift he's given me is his support.

I work in a testosterone industry where most women are employed in a clerical/support capacity.  It is gradually changing but it's a slow torturous process.  Anyway I've been with him since the infancy of his business and have worked my way through the business and am now the sole xx contributor to the Senior Management Team.

When I was initially appointed the reception I got made me believe that Climate Change was a crock because frosty is about 200 degrees above where we were.  Since that time I've had to put up with a fair amount of covert and not so covert attempted sabotage along with all the other pleasantries that insecure men like to dish out.  I decided that I'd let them knock themselves out because while they were focussing on me I was focussing on the end game and beating them in the only way they understand - results.

Suffice to say the more butt I kicked the more narky they got, the more influence I earned, and note I use the word earn because I bloody earnt every bit, the worse they became.  It's driving them nuts and I just keep smiling.

So 2011 rolls around and the war games begin again, you'd think they'd be sick of it but no I'm still the object of all their strategies and plans and although I have a bit of a giggle about some of the crap they carry on with it just becomes tiresome.  I mean really it's been 2 years now, newsflash - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE well except for the day when I become your Boss.  Can't wait for that one.

I truly don't understand how anyone can be so insecure that they sabotage themselves because all their energy is devoted to someone else.

How do you deal with passive aggressive behaviour?

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Rock Bottom

I looked up..............

I started to spiral and as I plunged into the yawning abyss I did something I've never done.  I looked up and reached out.

The one thing I feared was my very salvation.  I found courage in my despair and I found value in me.  When I started this blog I thought I was doing it to deal with my issues with food but through blogging I found so much more.  My issues with food are a symptom of the pain in my soul and ultimately as the keeper of my soul only I can make it whole again.

I've been amazed, inspired, challenged and provoked by some amazing women in the Blogosphere and slowly I'm discovering that it's in my power to be one of those women.

Balancing Multiples

So my little cherubs started their school lives yesterday and it was a resounding success.  They both embraced it wholeheartedly and I managed not to be a quivering sobbing mess as they casually waved goodbye with neary a backward glance.

Today they received their classroom allocations and we have two different classes.  Ah dilemna!

When they were born I encouraged everyone to acknowlege their twindom but to treat them as individuals.  No matching names, clothes or toys.  We do separate birthday cakes and will probably start doing separate birthday parties.  They are two little people who happened to share a womb, really fetal housemates if you will.

Originally we had discussed keeping them together for Kindergarten and then separate as needed.  Reality and school had different ideas and I can't praise Himself highly enough for the way he handled the situation today.  When it became apparent what was happening he checked with both midgets how they felt about it and then told the AP that we would prefer a watch and see approach.  Both our little ones have strengths and weaknesses and I am so pleased that the school whilst acknowleging their relationship is looking out for their individual needs.

Each night at dinner we are doing one great thing they learnt today, one good thing about their day and one sad thing about their day.   These three questions are great conversation starters and allow the children to share their thoughts without pressure.  Miss COTU did say that her sad thing was that her brother wasn't with her when she learnt her great thing but both have accepted that at school they need to learn different things at different times and after all they do live together.

So all good in the world of Kindergarten again.  I am so incredibly proud of how seamlessly their reality has shifted and they've embraced it for what it is and all it can be.

The Other Woman

As the evening cools and the breeze blows the heat from my skin it is quiet.  I sit in the dark reflecting on why this day is so difficult.  This school caper is nothing new, been there, done that packed more than my fair share of school lunches over the years so why is this one so tough?  Originally I thought it was because they are my last.  No ifs no buts this will be my last first day of school and that saddens me a little.  Don't get me wrong I'm quite content to be done with the baby stage but this will be the last time my little one looks dwarfed by their uniform and backpack and head off into the world all shiny and new.

Then it hit me it isn't school that scares me, I'm dreading the other woman.  You know the one, she is the most beautiful, smartest, always right woman about to take centre stage right where you've been standing.  Yes I'm talking about their Kindergarten teacher.  No longer are you the undisputed expert on everything because Miss *insert name here* says so.

I know it's nice to share but just for tonight I'm going to be a little selfish, just for tonight they are still all mine.

Tomorrow I'll blink back the tears, I'll smile and tell them how wonderful this new adventure is going to be and I'll wait all day with my heart in my throat until the bell rings and they come running through that classroom door excitement bubbling through every pore, I'll pull on my big girl knickers and embrace our next set of firsts.