The Quest for Approval

Having a total mental meltdown definitely has its perks, yep that's right, a breakdown is a positive thing.  When your in the midst of that maelstrom of madness comes the renewal of your centre of being.

For so long I've been adrift from my core beliefs that I couldn't recognise anything of worth or value in myself.  I constantly needed to validate my worth by the reactions of others yet even then I could only comprehend that any positive validation was merely pity and therefore not a reliable measure.  Fucked up right?

I'm working with a fantastic psych fairly intensively and I'm re-learning who I am, who I really am not who I perceive myself to be.

The good thing is I'm learning to like who I am but at the same time my heart is bruised, how did I become so lost?

Now if only I could find those damn breadcrumbs

Truth # 1 - No Excuses

I've always been a big believer in personal responsibility.  To my mind some things are a given when you become a "grown up", you vote, you pay taxes, you pay your bills AND you take responsibility for your choices.  The great thing about free will is that we all have it but we need to exercise it.  Freedom of choice like any freedom comes with responsibility.  You make the choice then you need to own it.  This has been a major failing of mine.  In the past I've had every excuse under the sun for why I make the choices I do, some justified and some not but ultimately I still made that choice.  No one has force fed me, no one has taken the healthy option from my plate and substituted the fat laden, calorie ridden alternatives I've indulged.

I am an emotional eater, an addict, food is my drug of choice.  Just like any other drug addict there has to be that turning point, that rock bottom moment that slaps you in the face and let me tell you that bone crunching thud is a doozy.

Mine is very recent and very raw and came through a veiled Facebook comment.  No names were used but being as I'm not an idiot there was no doubting who it was directed at.  Was it hurtful?  hell yes  Was it cruel?  undoubtably  Was it true? To my mortification, yes it is.

Fat discrimination isn't a new thing but somewhere in the progression of society it is becoming more acceptable to heap shame, scorn and ridicule on the fat amongst us.  To sit in judgement based on appearances and the "laziness" of the obese.  If only it were that simple.

The unvarnished truth is that until you are prepared to take personal responsibility you cannot begin to change.  How can you change what you don't accept?

Today I accept that I have abused my body to such an extent that my health is being damaged.  My soul is being damaged by the hurt I feel with every rejection.  The pain I feel when I'm judged by what I look like rather than who I am.  Tired of being told how I have "a pretty face".  I don't have a pretty face, perhaps one day I used to have a pretty face but when I look in the mirror and see the bloated, doughy face staring back at me I know the truth.

So today I accept that only I have the power to change this.  The hopes, dreams and desires that are withering and dying within me can only be nourished by the warmth of my heart.

Today I dare to dream.