Why Being Selfish Doesn't Have To Be A Negative

For many years I've felt myself unworthy of attention, including attention from myself.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I've learnt to love myself but I'm beginning to value who I am.

I'm beginning to realise that I have to set the example to the rest of the world of what I deserve.  How I treat myself sets the standard of how others treat me.

As a mother I think too often we confuse our roles and mothers and women.  To devote any time to one doesn't have to detract from the other, in fact, achieving that balance between Mum and Me can only enhance the joy we bring to the other.

Every day I strive to do something that is simply my own.  It doesn't have to cost money, it doesn't have to take long, the only prerequisite is that it is Mine.

What do you do to value you?

The Quest for Approval

Having a total mental meltdown definitely has its perks, yep that's right, a breakdown is a positive thing.  When your in the midst of that maelstrom of madness comes the renewal of your centre of being.

For so long I've been adrift from my core beliefs that I couldn't recognise anything of worth or value in myself.  I constantly needed to validate my worth by the reactions of others yet even then I could only comprehend that any positive validation was merely pity and therefore not a reliable measure.  Fucked up right?

I'm working with a fantastic psych fairly intensively and I'm re-learning who I am, who I really am not who I perceive myself to be.

The good thing is I'm learning to like who I am but at the same time my heart is bruised, how did I become so lost?

Now if only I could find those damn breadcrumbs

A Change in Perspective

I received a phone call this afternoon which brought some lovely news.  My gorgeous niece was elected Vice Captain of her primary school, this was on top of her receiving a credit in a University sponsored competition and a Merit Award for Outstanding Effort in English.  Yes that would be a proud Aunty vibe you're picking up on, very perceptive :)  As proud as I am of my gorgeous niece this post is actually about the woman who birthed and is doing a magnificent job of raising a strong, proud, confident daughter - my sister.

Growing up my sister and I had a fairly adversarial relationship, in fact her first day home from hospital I bit her.  Not exactly a kodak family moment but that pretty much set the tone for the next few decades.  We are very much the opposite ends of the family gene pool, she is as cautious as I am reckless, she is unthinkingly giving whilst I am a closed book, she was the good daughter whilst I was the wild child, I left home at 17 whilst she still goes home for holidays.  I think it's fair that our relationship was a duty one and we had very little to do with each other voluntarily once we became adults.

In hindsight she did try and reach out to me when my train wreck of a marriage ended but I was too emotionally exhausted to even realise. We floated along for the next few years and then when the midgets were born we started to tentatively explore a relationship as adults.  It smouldered until we both got on Facebook.  Funnily enough we could keep in contact a lot more easily and we both got a sense of who the other was and I have to say that I have done her a serious disservice for all these years because as a person she's pretty spectacular.

The very things that annoyed me as we were growing up are the qualities I now admire in her.  She is loyal, loving and generous.  A school teacher by profession she is one of those teachers that parents love because they know she teaches because she longs to educate.  For children she is the teacher they remember fondly as they look back on their school days.

For me she's my friend who just happens to be my sister.  Suprisingly though she hasn't changed at all, she's always been this amazing girl/woman but I had to change my perspective to truly appreciate her.

Sometimes you need to tip your world off its' axis to gain a fresh perspective.  Sometimes it isn't them it's you.

Putting a Value on Your Life

Isn't it funny as children we place ourselves at the centre of the universe and as we grow we move our orbit further and further from the sun.  Particularly once we become Mothers that elusive Me time becomes a mere idea perpetuated by those well meaning articles in womens magazines - you know the ones that feature 10 sure fire ways to put the spark back in your marriage, 12 great homemade christmas gifts and 8 great ways to earn money from home.

When do we learn to settle?  I'm trying to think back to a time when I stopped dreaming, stopped believing that I was capable of anything, worth everything and dreams were but mere desires waiting in the wings of my mind.

I can't continue to sabotage myself if I value myself.  How could I abuse something so precious?  Wantonly destroy the beauty that I possess.

After all my physical being is but merely a reflection of how I see myself.  I don't know exactly when I looked in the mirror and felt that self loathing but now I know I didn't hate what I saw, not really, I hated the fact that I no longer dreamt.

Today I give voice to my soul and she sings softly for now but with a purity that cannot be silenced.

Give yourself permission to love, start with the person you neglect the most - yourself.