A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Rock Bottom

I looked up..............

I started to spiral and as I plunged into the yawning abyss I did something I've never done.  I looked up and reached out.

The one thing I feared was my very salvation.  I found courage in my despair and I found value in me.  When I started this blog I thought I was doing it to deal with my issues with food but through blogging I found so much more.  My issues with food are a symptom of the pain in my soul and ultimately as the keeper of my soul only I can make it whole again.

I've been amazed, inspired, challenged and provoked by some amazing women in the Blogosphere and slowly I'm discovering that it's in my power to be one of those women.

When Pain Meets The Titanic

If you read no other post can I suggest that you read this one.  That Lori is an incredibly inspiring and brave woman is without question but this post is so raw that it is confronting in its honesty from a survivors point of view.  Lori is uniquely balanced in that she has danced both sides of the fence.

We as a society are conditioned to suppress our true emotions, we touch upon issues but we don't really lay it bare because we are so concerned with everyone around us.  Selflessness is to be prized but at what cost?  Why are we afraid to admit that our pain is bigger than us.  Is it the remnants of the "stiff upper lip" a throwback to our empiric past or is it a survival of the fittest mechanism?

There are some life events that fundamentally change who we are, hopefully we learn to live with the changes and can take the steps towards a fresh start but with any wounds comes scar tissue.  You can try and excise the scar but what do you leave in its place?

Until we as a community embrace pain as a consequence of life and allow the free expression of this pain then I fear that sadly Loris' story will not be isolated but one of  a chorus.

Forgiveness is a Gift

It's been a long time between posts and it's been a deliberate silence.  When Pandora came out to play she brought with her so many different emotions that I needed to be selfish.  That fight or flight instinct is so strong and the desire to delete my blog and pretend that all of that happened to someone else was so overwhelming that it took all my strength not to succumb.

I wrote that post sitting far away from home in a motel room.  In a totally alien environment far removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday life I was forced to confront my deepest fear.  My past.

Over the last few weeks I've forced myself to address not only the events of the past, but the emotions and consequences of my choices. I've cried, I've beaten myself back and blue, I've honestly looked into myself and asked myself if there are things that I could have changed what would have been the flow on effect of those changes.  I am who I am because of where I've been BUT and it's a huge BUT I don't have to be who I am because of where I've been.  Makes absolutely no sense but makes perfect sense.

It makes perfect sense because I forgive myself.  I've made mistakes and I've paid a heavy price, sometimes the price is just too high but ultimately I did the best I could at the time I made those choices.  Would I make them again, perhaps armed with experience and knowlege I may not and in the future I wouldn't but I can't change the life I've lived I can take responsibility for the life I choose to live now.

Whilst I've struggled to make peace with myself I've struggled with my food choices.  I've backslid but this time I've been able to grab an anchor and steady myself.  This time I'm looking forward.  I'm anticipating my future instead of being held prisoner by my past.

The pain isn't magically gone but it no longer throbs with unrelenting spasms.

I have a future - one of my own making.  The possibilities are both endless and exciting.