Having Faith or Surrendering Control?

The summer days are skipping away quicker than ice cream melts on a hot afternoon.  As summer retreats the first day of school draws near.  Lazy morning give way to the before school dance where children dawdle as mothers grow both exasperated and late.

I've spent most of summer in denial, the logical part of me knows my babies are going to school but the Mummy in me is nowhere near ready to let go.  I don't know if it is that I know that this is the last time I will wave a little one off looking as if they'll never grow into their shorts and as helpless as a kitten or whether my fears for the Little Man are just running riot.

Yesterday we went to a birthday party.  Miss COTU was in her element, little social butterfly that she is but Little Man interacted a little but was more than content to do his own thing.  Last night I didn't sleep very well.  All I could play through my mind was the What If game.  What if he can't make friends, what if he doesn't cope, what if he falls behind.

Today though I didn't achieve much at work but my mind was churning and then I thought What if.  What if he makes friends on his terms, what if he learns to cope, what if he travels at his own pace.

Little Man has differences but he has so much more to offer.  Maybe there will be challenges but maybe just maybe I need to let go, okay, just a little.

I can't live his life for him, but I believe in him, and I know he can.

The Blame Game

I'm a firm believer in personal responsibility.  We all make choices and whatever the consequences they are our choices to make.  Free will is wondrous thing to behold.  It gives us courage, conviction, direction yet when it exists within a being with a damaged spirit it becomes a receptacle of doubt and torment and the lines between responsibility and blame begin to blur.

There are times in our life where the choices we make take us in a direction we could never predict, we come across people who will wound if for no other reason than their own amusement.  Yet when we are hurt, when our spirit is wounded we instinctively begin to attribute blame to ourselves.  We second guess our choices, we doubt our worth and we lose our confidence in our judgement.

Whatever justifications are made, whatever excuses are proffered, whatever "provocation" is tabled, if you are  victim of abuse or violence then you are blameless.  By all means take responsibility for the choices that led you to that point but there is no blame to be apportioned in your direction.  Don't be fooled into accepting the blame, lay it squarely at the feet of those who deserve it.


Today is White Ribbon Day a day for the silence to end.  A day to separate responsibility and blame.  A day to acknowledge the damage done and allow yourself the grace to heal.

To those who have survived, share your story, use your experiences to remove the shame and blame.

To those who are suffering in silence, you are not to blame, you are not alone, help is available if you find the courage to speak out.

To those of you who commits these acts of violence and abuse.  IT IS NOT OK, IT IS YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE.  YOU CAN CHANGE - if you choose to.

To those of you who have never experienced or witnessed violence or abuse, you are blessed.

Breaking the Cycle

I have a couple of girlfriends IRL who have my back ALWAYS.  If it was 3am, I was in lock up and had 1 phone call then they would be on the list and I know when they'd finished laughing hysterically they would come and bail me out, if they weren't there with me anyway.  They've seen me at my best, definitely at my worst and in spite of this love me anyway.  They know that I have the bail money for them and I will celebrate their triumphs and kick the arse of anyone who needs it.  I have one biological sister who I love dearly but I have 5 additional sisters that I have no blood connection to whatsoever.  They are my family of choice.  So what I hear you ask, the point is?  Well one of my heart sisters rang last night and after the obligatory 4 hour phone call and the sleep deprivation this morning I have some clarity.

For me to successfully change the direction of my addiction and life I need to acknowledge why I medicate with food, not just the emotions but the excuses, the symptoms.  I need to look at my life and the events that have shaped it and have moulded my psyche.  I need closure damn it!  While I was talking to my friend I realised that I need to learn to accept that things have happened and I can't change the outcome but I can stop taking continuing responsibility.  Certain events will always have a level of hurt and regret but I can't keep beating myself up over what happened.  It is what it is - all I can do is take the lessons and make sure I deal with circumstances to prevent a similar outcome.  I need to stop taking responsibility for others, I can't control how they react or what they do.  I can control my response to their actions, I can deal with circumstances in a positive manner that isn't going to harm me.  I've also set a realistic timeframe for my lifechanges and to complete my To Do List.  By Christmas 2012 I will be living a healthy life that is balanced between my physical and emotional needs.

I need to lose the shame and the embarassment.  I am who I am and who I am right now doesn't need to be who I remain.  Time to get reaquainted with Me. 

So my goals for the coming week are:

• Examine the past and write closure letters and file in a sealed memory box for future destruction
• Look at myself honestly and come up with 10 things I like about myself and 10 things I don't like.  I will publish this list next Friday
• Start an emotional journal.  Pay close attention to how I respond to others.
• Drink water
• Do one physical activity every day.

I would like to end today by saying how much I've appreciated the support that you've all shown me in the short time I've been around.  It's so much easier to have company for the road trip.

To those of you who understand all to well the battle that I face each and every day your guidance is not only appreciated but actively sought.

Every day bring fresh hope, resolve and realism.

Bending reality is possible if you believe it to be so.