Have Compass Now to Find a Centred Place

When I first began to blog I decided that I wanted to blog about my headspace and journey towards fitness and balance.  I haven't blogged too much about my life or family because for some reason when I started I was labouring under a self imposed separation.  Funnily enough my day to day life is interwined in this journey so how can I possibly separate them. *insert smack up the side of the head here - Idiot*

Last year when the proverbial hit I did what any Mummy did, I put myself last, all my energies went into my youngest who had a real rollercoaster year.

At this stage we are still a little way from a formal Dx but the current label is Aspergers with ADHD traits and anxiety driven OCD.  Lots of yummy letters right???

So for the last 6 months I've been working with our prospective school, our new GP, our new Paed and a Psychologist to a) Prepare him for the start of Kindergarten or b) Find out that he wasn't ready for Kindergarten and what we needed to do to help him.

After kissing a few frogs we've found a great team of healthcare professionals who are the right fit for us and the Little Man will be starting school with his twin sister come February 1.

A lot of negative press is given to the state of our public school system but we've been fortunate to be living around the corner from a school filled with amazing teachers and support staff who are not only exceptionally skilled but also invested in their school community.  They are inclusive in their approach and respectful of our needs as a family.  I'm really looking forward to hopefully contributing to this amazing community.

But by the time the end of last year I was done, spent emotionally, professionally and physically.  I took a month off work we packed up the car and took off camping for a week.

Stripping life bare and just enjoying each day as it came is amazingly restorative.  The biggest decision we made was which beach we'd swim at that day and what we'd have for dinner.

The one thing this did illuminate is solidify my desire to change my life, to make choices that are good for me, not because I have to, but because I want to.

I found the wagon and I didn't just jump back on it.  I'M DRIVING IT.

The Blame Game

I'm a firm believer in personal responsibility.  We all make choices and whatever the consequences they are our choices to make.  Free will is wondrous thing to behold.  It gives us courage, conviction, direction yet when it exists within a being with a damaged spirit it becomes a receptacle of doubt and torment and the lines between responsibility and blame begin to blur.

There are times in our life where the choices we make take us in a direction we could never predict, we come across people who will wound if for no other reason than their own amusement.  Yet when we are hurt, when our spirit is wounded we instinctively begin to attribute blame to ourselves.  We second guess our choices, we doubt our worth and we lose our confidence in our judgement.

Whatever justifications are made, whatever excuses are proffered, whatever "provocation" is tabled, if you are  victim of abuse or violence then you are blameless.  By all means take responsibility for the choices that led you to that point but there is no blame to be apportioned in your direction.  Don't be fooled into accepting the blame, lay it squarely at the feet of those who deserve it.


Today is White Ribbon Day a day for the silence to end.  A day to separate responsibility and blame.  A day to acknowledge the damage done and allow yourself the grace to heal.

To those who have survived, share your story, use your experiences to remove the shame and blame.

To those who are suffering in silence, you are not to blame, you are not alone, help is available if you find the courage to speak out.

To those of you who commits these acts of violence and abuse.  IT IS NOT OK, IT IS YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE.  YOU CAN CHANGE - if you choose to.

To those of you who have never experienced or witnessed violence or abuse, you are blessed.

A Subtle Shift

I'm at the beginning of a long and winding road yet the things that are happening fill me with hope.  It's almost as if my nerve endings are singing. 

Perhaps blogging has brought it into plain sight but I find myself questioning food choices, exercise - incidental and otherwise, self care and clothing choices.

In some unusual way since I've begun to regain control and I've begun to care about me again.  Now don't read this as I'm under control and it's all butterflies and kittens but for the first time in years I actually feel like I can make choices I can live with.  The compulsion is still there and the sense of self loathing still lurks in the backround but I can look in the mirror honestly and look forward rather than looking for something to smash the mirror.

I'm thinking I should just change my name to Scarlett because "After all tomorrow is another day"